Humbled

I only blog when I feel moved.  I've started twice in the last several days and abandoned it bothers times for lack of resonance. Finally. I feel resonance,  and it's not pleasant... but... it's real.

We think that society is driven by greed or desire or ambition.  In truth, it is driven by pain and darkness.  I don't mean it is driven by the desire to be healed or find the light.  Since when has the majority of society been interested in truth or improvement.  They are driven by pain.  They try to block it out with distraction of entertainment or success.  Whether they are successful is beside the point.  It was never about where they land.  It was about where they left... particularly about not thinking about it.

I'm not saying you cannot have success,  after pain.  You can.  But, that's like trying to replace a square hole with a triangle piece.  It can be a very good triangle, but it will never replace the square memories.  No matter my success that I will have, my memories of my children will always be good and always be... over.  Let me say that again, because it's hard but is true.  It's over.  It doesn't diminish the goodness of the memory.  But, focus on the memories doesn't help the future.

I'm absolutely in love with the new album of Neoni, The Death of Daisies, which they describe as referring to the death of innocence.  One of my favorite songs on it is funeral, which is the death of the past and the birth of the new.  I find a voice in me not wanting to accept that and keep fighting, even as the reality in me knows that is gone, forever.  Change... requires death of the old, and that's where I am.  It's not pleasant, but mourning and moving towards new reality is the only way this works, and it ONLY works by being humble enough to acknowledge I am less important than change.