Bad Boy

I normally don't do posts about things until I have reached a conclusion.  That conclusion might be updated in the future, but it is usually being based upon what I think to be true.  This one will be a little different, because I have questions about a way of life that I think deserves questioning that I used to believe to be true.  So, this will be a kinda open ended discussion that questions my path a little and reactions that I have had to others.

I was raised Christian... and by that I don't mean like Christ but as society deemed Christianity to be.  The two don't always coincide.  Anyway, I was taught that you should always "turn the other cheek" or "be the bigger person" as the other person that did you wrong would always get theirs in the end or face justice, and you would be blessed for doing so.

So, I can point to dozens of examples of my giving up things, time, and stress for those that would ultimately discard me, move on from me, or attack me.  As I sit here right now, in fact, I can point to my first ex that treated me horribly during marriage and afterwards, tried to steal my VA money one time, refused to honor our custody agreement, and belittled me to both of my children and said false things to turn them against me and then cut off communication between me and them, so I can't even set the record straight.  Meanwhile, I was the person on my side of the fence that always told my children to honor and respect their mom, even when they told me that they didn't want to do so... I recall my youngest literally begging me not to send her to my ex for custody, when my 2nd marriage was falling apart and wanted her to have stability which I would not have for a while.  I listened to countless sessions of that youngest when I did have time with them talk about the bad things that their mom was doing and saying to them without my joining in the attack... instead even justified her by saying that her mental condition can cause her to have those kinds of reactions.  Yet.. as we speak, despite all my efforts towards peace, literally giving my ex primary custody despite her mental condition, and my moving across country in poverty to live near the child.... my ex has them living in her house, and I am not able to communicate to them, after my ex illegally broke her agreements.  What's worse... some around me even side with my ex that did and does those things.  So... was my actions at seeking peace or supporting my ex or more effective in my life, or did they harm me?  Indeed, had I NOT willingly given up custody to my angry and vindictive ex, I would still have my child living with me in Tulsa.

Next... second ex.  I don't want to trash her, because it was a different kind of ending in that case.  I am doubtful that she willingly did things to harm me, unlike the mission of my first ex.  In her case, it was more a series of past issues that we both brought into the marriage and possibly the natural conflict of different needs on each side vs what we could provide.  HOWEVER.. and this is not meant to say anything about her choices to end it.. I gave up a lot financially and otherwise into a marriage that drained me and ultimately left me with a couple suitcases from which to try to build myself back up.  So.. was it a good thing to sell my house for the wedding and to get us into a new apartment, together?  Was it a good thing to stop working and work from home as I could to handle household needs, when she was facing back issues?  Was it a good thing to sell my automobile at different times for things like legal expenses to protect her or to cover medical related bills?  Ultimately, none of those things would save the marriage, and in fact it became a point of contention between us.  She felt that I was giving a lot and didn't "want to feel guilty" for not being able to give things back to me.  It didn't matter that I didn't feel any kind of check list at the time about it and was totally willing to keep giving.  It made her feel unable, especially for her disabilities... and that was one log on the fire that would end things.  Had I NOT given up those things, it probably would have continued and I am very aware of that.

In my life, I have face the fact that I have been too "good" for many women... literally told I was too "nice" or gentle, and I would see woman after woman go for the bad boy or marry those that they would later find complaints to say about them.  I'm not attacking women.  Men do the same thing.  We both tend to like independent strong willed people that challenge us, and when someone is completely nice and supportive, we love that as a friend.. but it tends to have a negative effect on something more.  We also saw Will Smith punch someone at a hollywood event that normally abhors violence.  Yet, women would voice support for Will for doing it for his woman.  It's not just true in romance.  People like a leader that will fight for them.  The bad boy tends to get attention, and he doesn't lose his things out of self sabotage otherwise known as sacrifice.

So.. it's something still in contemplation in my mind, and I'm not close to coming to a conclusion.  But, it definitely makes me question things to realize that in a VERY large way, my current circumstance in my life are the direct result of my being gentle and nice, when I should have been standing for myself and firm and seeking my own success that.. had I done so... would have led to a whole different and more comfortable life at present.

Money

Do you know... for a VERY long time until relatively recently, it was possible for a family of even a dozen kids to exist on one income?  In fact,  it was considered poor form for both parents to work.  I disagree with that and welcome gender equality to share responsibility .. but shouldn't that mean an abundance of extra money?  Now, two person households are strapped, and many wives live trapped in bad households.. or men.. because as I've experienced it is almost impossible for a single person to live on one income, even in poor housing.. IF they can get that housing at all without the credit of a wealthier person.

In 2020, I went to live in Florida to be near my child, after a divorce.  I was already poor from selling my house for a marriage that would fail and my car for medical bills and more of someone that would reject me.  But, then, I would face Florida expenses.  And... for 4 years I would have to work VERY long hours to barely stay above rent and necessities.. so much so that I ended up having to work on weekends with my child or wouldn't be able to pay to live.  I wasn't alone.  Many single mothers and fathers do the same. That led to the current situation that finally has lots of hope because I cut my expenses by moving to cheaper housing in a cheaper state.  

We complain about a 50 cent rise in costs of a gallon of gas or milk, but expenses of all things have been rising much faster than money value to pay for them, and we all know it.  However, that's only partially true... it's absolutely true if you are lower to middle class... and by middle class I literally mean middle of the percentile of people alive.  However, the rich have never been so rich... literally and in purchasing power.  They complain of their struggles to not be able to do things no one in their station in prior generations were able to do.  But, when someone can donate or give an amount of money that would pay a person's entire life and have no impact on their own, there is money hoarding happening.

If this blog is going to be honest about the path to happiness, it has to be honest about the money struggles that rob it and solutions for an individual will take some radical restructuring of how much.. happiness.. we allow others to take from those they judge for being poor.

Trust Your Wings

It's not a novel or original concept for this blog post, but I think I often omit or don't do some things in blogs upon which I rely, simply because in my mind it's something that people already know, even if they in fact often don't... as the old truths of prior generations are not conveyed, always, to younger generations and younger generations in this cancel culture are not interested in what older generations would tell them, leading us toward a society where they will have to learn them for themselves and then judge the older generations for not telling them what they didn't want to hear.

One of those lessons I will write about, today.  Consider a bird.  At some point, the parent bird will push the young bird out of the nest to force the bird to use and gain confidence not in someone else to save them but in confidence of their own wings.

I have, unfortunately... or maybe fortunately.. had a lot of experience in this over my life in my personal struggles.  But, it is the biggest reason that I am able to shift into a methodical and steady mode of progress to rise when things happen to disrupt my stability.  I have come back from poverty caused by things outside of my control more times than I can count... medical bills, my own or others physical limitations, auto repairs...or auto unrepairability, the actions of others, and so on.  I am currently staying in a hotel that I didn't realize when I began that it was the same I stayed in years and years ago, after such a time in my life.  The hotel changed name, and I was only here for a few months, prior... and it's been updated since then.  However, that point in my life was caused by my getting a new, higher paying, job in a neighboring state.. only a few hours away.  We went through all the state procedures to move out of state to the new job with regards to my wife at the time's ex and visitation.  I even offered to pay his gas or flights for the kids.  He participated in it for months, but he decided he was tired of that and sued us both to put his ex into contempt and to drag us back to move near him.  Like I said, we had law on our side, but the court costs and affect on my wife at the time and kids was not good, so I ultimately consented to move back to this city... without a job... or a car, as we had used a title loan to help pay for the legal bills in part.

So.. at the point I was staying in this building, we were living here with very little money, no vehicle, our stuff in storage, and more.  I would go back to a previous employer that had treated me very badly for a job for a paycheck and was taking a bus back and forth in long trips to get a paycheck.  We'd use that paycheck to get into a new apartment and to get a new used vehicle and go upwards from there.  Of course, the stress of all that led to a high blood pressure nose bleed that was my first indication of having high blood pressure and got started on meds for it and lost weight and went upwards from there, eventually.  However, I survived and came back from it.  I could point to a dozen other times in my life with similar obstacles and challenges to overcome in one way or another.  However... I always found the floor and rose.

This is another example of learning the value of darkness.  If I had stayed in a protected and shielded world, I would not have the skills or the confidence that I now have.  Now, I KNOW that no matter what should happen... no matter how far I might have to fall or what I might have to do, I will survive and rise.  Even now, one thing or another could happen... and if it does I would pause.. consider my options.. and determine what needs to be done.  I would not panic or have a heart attack or stroke or fall to pieces.  Why?  I trust my wings to rise.

You have surely faced trials in your past.  I hope that they are nowhere near as much as I have had to face, and I know mine are light compared to some others.  However, rather than feeling pity and depression, you can take heart in the fact that your mental and emotional muscles have been building, and you can gain confidence in yourself to be able to meet whatever may come your way and learn and rise from the meeting.  Your tomorrow will be a better day.

 

 

Sentimental Meaning

Today, I was driving on my deliveries, and I thought of something that is a worthy counter point to my logical and analytical approach to things, lately.  First, I must say that my focus on reason and logic has been and is a steady influence in the face of a lot of disorder and things that could cause fear, if it was allowed.  So, I am grateful for the reasoned approach and will let it continue to guide my decision making for the most part.  That said, there is a counter point to be said that is true in its own right.

As I was driving, I was enjoying looking around at the building and more that I have seen for a long time, prior to returning, here.  It's not just the memories.  It's familiarity and a personal connection to those roads and places and such.  But, as I was driving and looking, it occurred to me that if you DIDN'T have the memories and my preferences and more, it could just be seen as a run down city in places and a building that I think has quaint charm could be seen as just... an old building.  

I haven't been watching the new Dr Who season, as I feel it has betrayed many canons of traditional Dr Who show and more, but I have kept up with reading the plots of the shows from time to time.  One of the most recent episodes has the Dr saying that someone has meaning because we believe they have meaning.  WE give them meaning by our choice to ascribe it to them.  I can apply that, here.  The city has a LOT of meaning to me, even though at the core it's just... a city.  A job is just a job.  A person is just a biological human.  Etc.  The mechanics of truth is bare and cold in a large part.  You can look at a sunset and just talk about the process of how the light is made and our eyes receive it.  Or... you can say what a pretty sunset it is and relax in the assessment.

I do believe there is a truth to this and a purpose for it in things like romance, too.  I have a long experience of giving meaning to such that was overlooked, misunderstood, or rejected by others that were calculating on value based on things that were really just excuses for someone looking for an out.  However, a rose is not just a rose, if it is given with meaning.  A touch.  A hug.  A smile.  All of these can be attributed to the mechanics of doing it, but MEANING has very little to do with procedure.

I do NOT want this to be used to overlook toxic conditions or to paint rosey pictures where non such exists, but I do think a bleak boil down to fact and evidence can indeed miss the point of living.  Sometimes, you just have to let yourself pretend and find meaning in your days, even when things are not there.  It can be the fuel to help you create more of that in your day to day life and in the lives of others.  And, if someone IS living a little pretense or even truth to them, such as trans people or more.  Why not let them live it, in a world that may be dark for them living the way others would have them live.  Thought that is worth noting in this LGBTQ month.

Responsibility and Consequences

 There is an exchange in Beautiful Creatures that I think is a great way to lead off this post.  I'm going to try to get the quote right, because I don't have the movie in front of me and can't find the quote online...

Ethan: You don't have anything to do with the devil, do you?

Lena: That is such a mortal thing to say.

Ethan: There is evil, Lena.

Lena: Of course there is evil casters.  The difference is we didn't create a devil to blame for it.

Does the devil exist?  Personally, I think so, albeit probably not much like is portrayed in the tradition of men.  But, the question is valid, because no one has ever seen the devil in a physical form.  You'd think so with all the way most churches today are singing about waging war on Satan and his followers.

First of all, it wouldn't make sense demons "follow" anyone.. if they rejected God by tradition, why would they follow someone projected to be worse?  But, I digress.

So, where do we SEE the acts of the devil that is condemned?  We see it in the acts of men and women.  They don't want to accept the responsibility or consequences of their actions, so they say, "the devil made me do it."  Then, they claim the blood of the god they killed to be clean to start all over again.  It reminds me of the words of a popular revivalists preacher I saw back in my religious days that pointed this out, saying, "The devil doesn't have your pocketbook. (Wallet)"

No one is good... so says scripture.  It also says that the evil we "fight" is our own "flesh"... it's us, according to the Bible.  But, that's not a popular message in our self centered world.  No... in today's world, I want what I want, and anything that gets in my way is evil, and I must "fight" the devil in the form of anyone that disagrees... why you always hear about spiritual battles near the time of elections, like now.  Let's not forget Pat Robertson was a Republican candidate for President, once.

In my more recent years, I've taken a more logical and objective course.  I analyze everything by facts and am first to admit when the facts point out my errors in judgment or actions, primarily because how can you correct without admitting something doesn't work.  Others will keep looking for the devil and evil, and I'm sure there are many that see that evil in me  despite my not doing anything actually against them but just living my life... when in reality they forget I can see their lives and know they are often living lives blacker than my own... but they have Jesus without confession so they are guilt free. Ha.

Regardless, I'd just end this by saying if you actually DO want to improve your life, you'll get there quicker by looking at what of your choices brings "evil" into your presence or others and making wiser choices to have more peaceful and successful days.

Phoenix

Resisting the urge to angrily blast my ex for what she's done, I'll do a quick synopsis of facts only and then change to a more healthy use of that anger both in blogs and my life.

Synopsis: my ex, diagnosed with Biopolar Manic Depressive Mania mixed with some Schizophrenia paranoid delusions after writing all over herself and the walls and talking gibberish back in 2006 and has lost primary custody of her children in the court for it in the past, has... after my innocence of letting her have primary custody in 2020, defied court custody by blocking my custody time and berated me to my children for months to turn them away from me to the point that on father's day weekend I learned I no longer have any contact  ..one day after my child turned 18, so I can't sue.  That's not me attacking her.  That's simply me recounting history she'd rather not have said.  Needless to say, definitely made the right choice leaving her in 14 years ago and moving away from her this year.

Which leads me to my next point... what do you do when you do everything you can for others and have them burn you and abandon you.  You stoke the fire and burn all the misery and depression away, setting fire to the rain, and use the energy from the flames to power your rebirth.  Like the Phoenix, we don't disappear when we burn.  We transform.

An often mis-sourced quote is good here... "The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."

That's attributed by many to ancient Socrates but in reality is a more recent Socrates.  Regardless, it's correct.  It's also my plan.  I'm going to take all the anger from being misused and attacked, even after being attacked weeks after moving away from my ex...over 1000 miles away from my blocked ex thar attacked me through my child's phone.. and use that energy to burn down not only my past pains but past fallacies and illusions to take a more logical and factual foundation to a future I know will exist,  because I will build it myself.

And, once that's done, those thar are no longer in my circle of friends or those that did not make an effort towards me when I was down will get no part in the .. bread that's baked to alude to the Red Hen book or success that will follow.  I am a Phoenix in ashes, and I am about to be reborn.

Dark Light pt 2

I wanted to pick up and continue the Dark Light post theme from several posts back.  And, no.. I do not plan to use this post to address the most recent actions of my ex, even though it certainly qualifies.  I'm keeping this more of a general post, as it actually applies to many things in my life and the lives of others, so I won't cheaper it by making it singular.  It's something I've been wanting to post for a few weeks, so.. here goes.

The saying is that Light is revealing and darkness fears the light.  I've found the reverse to actually be more true in reality.  Does that sound odd?  You might be saying... how can darkness reveal something, if it is dark?  Actually, it does is very effectively.

Consider... you enter a relationship and money is flowing and gifts are coming and all is well, and you KNOW the other person loves you... til the money stops flowing or time is limited or more. Pressure rises, and they turn on you or run away.  Darkness revealed what the light could not.

Or, maybe, it's a job that becomes something you did not see, after they found leverage against you.  Or, it could be hopes or dreams that come face to face with raw power and control.  Or, perhaps it is career choices or lifestyle choices that change when you are faced with the darkest days in them.

The reality is that REALITY cannot truly be known without struggle.  Until that point, a mutually allowed deception does just fine.  People tend to really love their rose colored glasses. I'd advise against it when considering long lasting things like marriage or money decisions.  Until you've "been in the trenches" with those things, you really don't know anything.

So, once again, I want to praise darkness for showing more truth than is often found in the light, though many won't have the honesty to admit it to their detriment.

Lessons For Young Men

I've been thinking for a bit that I wanted to do a lesson post for young men based on my successes and failures over the years... more failures than successes.  So, here goes..

This post will cover different areas of life, but I want to start with interaction with women, because that will be on the minds of most young men.  The advice will be from experience and not the general advice you see out there, because I don't think that advice is very helpful being sanitized to only be the things people say and repeat and not the actual effective advice.  And, it won't necessarily align with what I've said over the years,  as I have learned along the way.

The first thing you need to recognize is that men and women are not the same.  I'm not talking about sex vs gender here.  I'm a big proponent of transgender people, so take my "men" and "women" to reflect to those genders chosen.. regardless of sex.  If you feel it is uneven what you give vs what you get, it probably is...and is uneven in other areas to you.  Why?  That's your area to provide.  Further, women are more sensitive, so they look for and expect certain tender emotionally supportive things that the stereotypical male does not seek and thus women are not conditioned to provide.  The only reason a relationship is even important is that you are different and can provide things to each other that we need.

Next, the woman is always right...if you want to stay in the relationship.  If it is toxic like my first ex was... leave.  Otherwise, happy wife, happy life, as they used to say.  I know that can feel like a hard pill to swallow at times, but after decades of learning I've determined this will always be true.  If she says she wants more.. give more.  If it's minor let it go.  The price of being right is often the price of being alone.

Take pride in working.  I'm not saying women should not work.  I think it's good advice for them, too.  Many times I was looking for validation of my value in others that can easily be found in successful projects at work, promotions, or just a good day of earnings if you are self employed.  Make your own validation by doing the things you know is best for you and others.

Counter to that point, though.  Work is not your life.  Every job I have ever had that had a work community that I felt needed me and would miss me very quickly replaced me and most never spoke to me,  again.  You are just a cog in a very old machine.  Spend time with your family and enjoy the days you have on Earth.  If you can't do that with less money, you definitely won't with more money.

Finally, take time for yourself... golf, fitness, watch sports, to to concerts, listen to music and make playlists, go get drinks... whatever is your thing.  Don't spend all your time focusing on others.  They probably want time for themselves, too... so take the kids so your wife can have it, too, at times.

That's enough for now.  Hope it helps.

The PERFECT Enemy

Do you know what I think is the unifying factor in mant of our mental and emotional problems that we have today?  Indeed, I'd say most of them and financial and other problems, as well.  I think it is the expectation of perfection.  It is the perfect enemy... because the enemy is being perfect.

Someone is depressed about their body.  What is the enemy... perfection.  Someone is depressed about their income or family structure or clothing or really anything.  What is the enemy... perfection.

This stretches into the realm of diversity in that someone has an image in their head about how others should look or feel or act.  When they confront many that do not look or feel or act like the perfect stereotype, they are bothered.  Is it the person doing something against them?  No.. it's just not that person's perfect society view.

We are not made to be perfect.  Indeed, the Bible Christians use says it is not possible to be perfect.  ALL are fallen, they say.  Well, surely then after accepting Jesus they will be perfect.  Nope..they will keep not being perfect the rest of their lives.  So, why do we keep using perfection to judge our lives and the lives of others.  Better to be good to others, which everyone can do.. saved or not..and be happy with who you are and accepting of who others are in a changing society.

Failure to reach perfection is not a variance in society.  We all do it.  If you understand that,  a lot of our criticism of ourselves, our lives, and others disappears.  All we really need to do is embrace imperfection in order to be more happy in our lives.

Basic Training

 I had the thought of doing this post, earlier today, but I forgot for a bit.  So, doing it now.

I was in the National Guard for 8 years and active duty for 2 years.  I definitely have reservations about how our military is being used, but I want to focus on one aspect of the military that most don't spend enough time learning from... Basic Training.

The purpose of basic training is to break you down and build you up with individual confidence.  You enter basic scared and alone.  I remember my moments doing it.  I was gathered with a bunch of others that are also scared and alone.  They joined out of different reasons.  Some joined for scholarship money.  Some joined for family tradition.  Some.. actually.. joined after a life of prison to find a new future for themselves.  However, none were prepared for what lie ahead.

The first two weeks of Basic are called hell weeks.  For weeks you are woke at ungodly hours of the morning by banging trash cans or yelling or more.  The Drill Sargent gets pleasure in catching you off guard and emphsizing your weakness.  They are trained to do it.  You will be forced to spend hours in prone position doing pushups or lifting cans filled with concrete or doing road marches or more.  I remember multiple times taking a shower and feeling half of my muscles spasming in pain and exhaustion, just do have to do more, shortly after.  I honestly wondered if I would die in the process, but I figured that no one would allow them to kill us.

Then, you stop failing as much.  You start doing well at different things.  You do more than you expected.  You last longer in PT than you thought you could.  Slowly, you become confident that you CAN not only survive but do well at being a soldier, and that gives you confidence to do more.

This is another example of the benefit of evil.  No one is trained in basic by being praised and treated well.  They treat you HORRIBLY.  WHY?  It is so that when you are out there in battle with no one to ask for help, YOU can solve your own problems and save others.

People are not trained in wisdom.  They are not made fit by being given a light load.  We have in various ways for CENTURIES or even longer been training people to succeed by first treating them badly to teach them to overcome.  WHY should we expect LIFE to be any different?

You face struggles to learn to overcome and gain confidence.  If you have not learned the lesson, it will feel worse for you, longer.  Then, you can graduate from your struggle and actually be useful for success in your own life and the life of others.

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Dark Light

 It's been an eventful week.  But, it's finally starting to settle down, so I thought it would be a good time to do my next blog post. I was driving from Florida to Tulsa as part of my move and staying in 2 hotels along the way. For most it was uneventful and steady. The last day , however , I began within ten to fifteen minutes of driving of having an overheating radiator.  I drove it to a nearby bait shop in the sparsely populated Arkansas road. The man in the bait shop said I could use in water hose at the back of his store to fill up my radiator. So I filled it up and I drove it to the next town where I bought several gallons of water. 

It wasn't a huge leak.  I was able to drive 60 to 70 miles before I put in another three quarters gallon of water. But it got me all the way The way to tulsa to be able to check in on time at my new residence. 

Then I was able to start figuring out how I was going to fix the car.  Having had to fix the car at all means I could not pay a month's worth of rent at the new place that I was going to be staying so I had to pay at the higher rate weekly rate, which costs five hundred dollars more over the course of a month. So I set about calling different places to fix it. 

A good friend of mine suggested amazon afterpay which allows me to not have to pay for the parts right away at least  and that saved me a lot of money. Then, I had the parts shipped in to a mechanic that I found that was able to do the labor at a cheaper rate. Now. I have my car back, and I'm able to deliver over the weekend And, I was able to sell a laptop and with the money from both of those I should be able to pay for the next couple rents and be completely back on track.

There is a point for me telling all of that as relates to the point of this blog post. During the course of all of this, I did not overstress.  I did not get overwhelmed. I did have to deal with many stressful things and was able to systematically do it logically without getting emotional or anxious over the shortage.  I was able to do that because I have a lot of experience of disappointment and issues that I had to overcome. 

And,  that is the point of this blog... overcoming struggles by experience with disappointment and struggle, as opposed to simply relying upon positive and hope.  There is a question that is asked in some of the surveys that I take that asks about how I react to stressful situations.  Do I fall apart at stressful situations? Or, am I able to process them.  I don't fall apart when negative things happen, because in my mind there's no point to fear. There's no point to worrying over it. Wastes time that could be used figuring out the next solution. 

I have a lot of experience in my life of overcoming things and knowing that I'm able to overcome things I am able to approach things by simply asking...how am I going to overcome this?  

For several months now I have been focusing on the value of darkness or the value of struggle and strengthening us and preparing us and helping us to have the right mentality to be able to approach life. It is precisely because of this that I was able to approach the situation logically and simply thinking about solutions as opposed to feeling depressed or down. Someone that focused solely on the light would not have the capacity to handle and overcome the situation.

So, don't underestimate or undervalue the struggle you face, because it could be the strength you need in the future that you are building.