Forward ON!

I'm going to make this my last post, before I move.  Between tonight and tomorrow, I'll be very busy working and want to try to watch a miniseries tonight, before my Prime membership gets paused.  But, I try to write when inspiration hits, and I am feeling this post from reflections I've noticed over time and is appropriate to the blog and life events.

This will not be a political post.  But, I do see one thing that that involves some politicians and other that I want to mention... not even people I particularly always like.  However, it is worth noting, and to do so I have to note how it works for them.

I'm not a fan of Biden or Trump.  I've opposed both at different times.  However, one thing we can see with Trump is this... he never quits.  And, one thing we can see about society around him is that he was once persona non grata.. he couldn't even have a social media account, til they figured out that was illegal. Slanderous things were said about him.. and some true negatives.  Yet.. here we are with him as the main candidate of a political party, and there is a growing chance that he will be elected again like Harrison was in history after a period (I think I'm related to that Harrison.. I think).  REGARDLESS of his critics, he just kept believing in himself and staying consistent and others bent to finally accept him.  I'm not sure that is a good thing, but it is true.

You can see this in the trial of Johnny Depp, too.  For YEARS he was guilty before a trial and lost many movies and tv shows and more.  But, he just kept pushing and fighting.  Now, after the trial cleared him, Disney is begging him to do his roles again, and I JUST saw a new SAVAGE cologne ad with his face on it, again.

It is easy to feel disheartened, when you see rejection all around you.  It is easy to feel like saying... well fk them all.. and just walk away from it all.  Many actors and actresses have done with Hollywood over the years, in fact.  But, the thing is that people liking you or hating you are often based on trends, and one thing about trends is that people like to change them.  If something stays the same too long, they will look for a reason to challenge it, and if you are still out there doing your thing, your time may come.

So, all I really wanted to say with this post is this... and I'm saying it to myself as much as anyone else.  No matter what has happened in your life and no matter how much you feel you have failed, you only fail is you quit trying.  Yes.. change your procedure or evaluate your desires to make sure they are true to your soul and make adjustments as needed.  But, if you believe in your convictions and like your likes and have your preferences, STICK to them.  I won't ever be a clean cut, church elder, football watching, dominant man.  I will always have an independent streak and challenge opposing structures.  But, I will always be me.. empathetic, scifi loving, music playing, logical-artistic streak person that always works to better my life and make a difference.  And, it doesn't matter if some around me don't appreciate that.  The only way I get to someone that does is to ignore the critics and keep moving.  Forward ON!

Reason Pt 2

Yes.  I know I already posted today, and I know that I already posted on this subject HERE.  But, it's been developing in my head, and I feel that it is important to post on it, today as well.

In just a few days, I will be moving back to Oklahoma, where I spent ten years before coming to Florida and in total maybe another 11-12 years of my life before that in different locations.  It will be good for me to be back there for many reasons... economic, family, foundation, familiarity, and a good reset turning point for my life away from all the stressors that has controlled much of my choices and life for many years.  But, I didn't get the decision to go back there from following unrealistic visions or feeling the need to "stick it out" to prove something to anyone or myself.  I didn't pray for a sign and follow that, either.  I recall exactly when I made the decision.  It was maybe a month ago or more.  I was sitting on my bed and reflecting on the mess my life has been over the past several years and trying to figure out how it could be different.  And, I thought... why haven't I been using my reason that I use to solve the problems of others to solve my own problems?  Then, I thought about how when I have a problem to solve over the many decades of my life or a work problem or more, I always had just pushed STOP on life, evaluated where I was, evaluated what I wanted, and made adjustments to get there.

I've mentioned in prior posts how I served in Artillery in National Guard and Active Duty and how that can teach us a thing or two about how to approach life.  In artillery or even in shooting any weapon, you fire first.  Then, you observe whether the shot fell like you wanted to do, and you made adjustments so that the next shot would be closer to the goal.  When you fail at something in a way or a few ways or a lot of ways, you can feel overwhelmed and like a failrue, UNLESS you learn to see life like this.  When you fail, you should push STOP, evaluate how your attempts and environment is progressing towards what you want, and then you LEARN from it and try again.

As I reflected on the past years and especially on the year immediately prior to this, I find that I was struggling and spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere towards what I desired.  In fact, I was going backwards.  I came out to be near to my child, and the change of events and the growth of the child made that less of a priority, leaving me to question my location.  My health events that found me having to fend for myself without family nearby only REINFORCED my feeling already that I missed family that was back in Oklahoma that I never got to see.  My reason evaluated the costs vs income of living in Oklahoma vs living in Florida, and there was really no comparison at that point.  Florida's costs have kept me working harder than I have ever had to work for a lower living standard than I could have back out in the midwest.  My texts to my child could be done equally from here or there, so there was really nothing holding me here at that point.

I also noted in a social media post several weeks ago about an old animated movie I saw as a kid.  I think it was called Black Cauldron.  In it, the man was fighting an evil wizard with spells, and he countered them with logic and fact and education.  I was not saying anything about the use of magic or spells.. sometimes they can be useful.  However, IN THE END, spells and wishes all bow to WHAT IS and WHAT NATURE dictates.  You can try to influence that, but nature ultimately wears the crown.  Logic, math, truth... these are the real powers that even the Dieties observe in their Scriptures and to whom they all must bow.  If you don't want your car to break down... don't cross your fingers and chant happy happy thoughts.  Go get it fixed and maintained.  Then, you'll have the faith to drive it without fear.

I looked at my life, and I said... what do I want?  I knew that I didn't want to keep struggling on the edge of bankruptcy and homelessness and need more money, so I began looking for a higher paying job, which I will continue to do till it happens.  A great potential surfaced this week, but we will see.  I knew I wanted to be able to send my child gifts from that money, and living in a cheaper place makes that more likely.  I knew that I wanted family nearby, so moving back was a good idea.  I didn't HAVE to waver over what to do.  When I began to analyze what I desired, the rest wrote itself.  I do also want romance, but that romance will be best enabled when I have established the rest, so I'm not thinking about it, til later.

So, I just wanted to cover this topic again, partially to remind myself and partially to help others.  If you have a problem or problems in your life, your BRAIN will be more capable to solve those problems with reason than your emotions that waver or dreams that disappear or change.  So, take the time to just push pause, look at things, and see where that leads you.  It will probably be a more happy path.

 

Freedom to be Happy

We just passed Memorial Day.  I did not post criticism or support, because even though I am a Veteran that joined and served for protecting freedom, much of the use of the military has been using soldiers to promote economic or political goals or to enrich political or weapons groups.  So, I don't have a position AGAINST soldiers, and especially soldiers that served in older wars I have great respect for the freedoms that they did defend.  HOWEVER, we don't always see that goal in the mindset of those that are in power ordering them in recent decades.

Indeed, freedom has taken a back seat to partisanship and media crusades in recent years, and this is true on both sides of the major party spectrum.  It's one reason that I don't align myself with either party.  It's not a battle for freedom versus control.  Both have groups they want to have freedom and groups that they want to control.  Me, being in the middle along with many independents, we get to expose the hypocrisy of both sides of the political spectrum.  

So, while people chant and sing patriotic hymns for a weekend twice a year, they turn on their heels within hours to identify what people SHOULD and SHOULD NOT be ALLOWED to do... more on the should not than should.  However, EITHER is one person making a decision about what another person may do, prompting the questions of where they got authority to decide that and more directly how freedom is maintained within it.

Take Trans people, for example.  Groups on both sides have recently came out to battle against them... or more precisely.. battle against their FREEDOM to wear what they want to wear and do what they want to do, suggesting that their freedom must be restricted if it is in the presence of someone that disagrees.  If that is the case, no one should be allowed to do anything, anywhere... since we will always have critics.

Then.. and to break the Google and social media ban on mentioning Ukraine's war (for obvious point in this article), if you speak about the Ukraine war, you are subject to being shadow banned or more for doing so.  If you suggest that while Russia was and is wrong for their part in the war they do have a point that the area they occupied was Russian favoring people that asked for Russia to come save them from daily rocket attacks... you are suddenly THE ENEMY for having a differing opinion.  There is a lot of that going on in the last decades.... condemnation of people for simply being different than the politically approved text or standard.  

Of course, being an INFJ like I am and an independent, I have offended countless people for speaking uncomfortable truths about the church, the GOP, the DNC, the media, the vaccines, the wars, and so much more.  If I haven't said enough code words to get this post banned, let me just add questions about Scripture, religion, hedonism, and wealth.  But, I do have the gift that many do not have... the peace to be able to say what I feel and do what I want to do... you know... freedom for which our soldiers died.  I hope for you all the same freedom to pursue your own happiness, however that happiness looks to you.

I'm Intense

 Back when I did dating apps and answered questions on some of them, I remember one question that I always hated answering.  It asked if I was carefree or intense.  Now, I have always WANTED to be more carefree, and it was true that I have learned, especially lately, to let things go and accept life and have diverse interests and such.  And, I would often check mark the box for carefree, because I was just imagining it from the other side with someone thinking ... oh great an intense person that will wear me out, because that has been the reaction I have got from some more carefree individuals.  

However, I am intense.  If you really think about it, intense is very similar to intend, and it wouldn't surprise me to be the same word origin.  When I do ... well anything... it is because I intend to do it.  And what I intend to do, I usually do it passionately.  Carefree to me seems non-commital and has an air of pretense.  I'm not knocking you if you are more carefree or have a different perspective about it.  I would assume that those that are more carefree WOULD see it differently and probably have a more peaceful life.  However, for as hard as I try, I cannot just do anything without first having a core desire for doing it, and I will spend a long time afterwards analyzing my own actions and statements to learn from it for the future.

So, for example, when I am involved in a romance that I have accepted (I have to test it first before opening up), it comes with gifts, flowers, gestures, romantic talk, physical touch, and more.  When I accept a job, I learn all that is necessary to master it, work at it harder than others, and am always concerned about the outcome of every task for which I am assigned... even though in the life long run, it doesn't really matter.

I think that like introverts being made to feel broken by extroverts, the intense are portrayed as bad by many that often then complain about not being able to find someone of depth or empathetic or affectionate.  So, among the other things I am reclaiming about myself with the attitude of I don't care if you like it or not, I'm going to confidently and passionately enjoy my intense side, as well.

Introverts, Extroverts, the World, and Media

Last year, I began to consider something and have seen a few meme's questioning it, as well.  Over the last week, I've also been considering something new from time to time that expands the question and gives it a little foundation, as well.  The question begins with a query in memes that asks why the extrovert world feels that it is the introverts that are broken and needing correction, instead of the other way around.  Why is it that the introvert must speak up more and not the extroverts be more quiet?  This is not going to be a slam on extroverts but a harmony, so stick with me.  However, it is a worthy question, when you consider all of the things we gain in the world by slowing down and using observation and reflection skills over boldly going forth.

Over the last week, I considered the various types of media that are out there and the creators and audience of that media.  One the one side, you have actors and movies.  They are, by nature, extrovert in that they are putting themselves OUT THERE and WANTS attention and to be seen.  So, their creations are often about going, doing, action, interaction, etc.  The audience that likes these qualities are either inherently or by watching them similarly extroverts that want to do the same.

On the other side, you have writers and books.  You often don't even know what an author looks like, because they prefer to write and live in solitude.  As such, their creations are less interested in boisterous loud expressions that can be seen but the quiet inner dialogue of their well founded and understood characters.  The focus is on plot, meaning, depth, and truths.  Those that read the books are, by nature, not looking for simple and loud expressions but to find those qualities that writes convey.

But... what are the most popular and lasting expressions of both?  I am probably not alone in saying that I have seen movies or tv shows made about books much more than the books, themselves.  And, there are a lot of these kinds of creations.  Indeed, one of the best selling things that can be said of a piece of visual media is to say that it is "based on the book" and that line boosts interest by both introverts and extroverts to make it not only a hit but a lasting classic.

So, I think that deep inside both introverts and extroverts NEED each other and seek out each other to complete their own limits.  The introvert appreciates those that have the courage to speak up or act, and the extroverts appreciate the depth and complex nature of those less quiet.  I think the only reason that extroverts want introverts to speak up is that that is the only way they know with which to connect, and the introvert may appreciate the extrovert, but they are left lamenting that they are not made to be in that world and often find themselves alone... unless they find other introverts with which to connect, but even that is difficult for an introvert.  Meanwhile, extroverts have similar difficulties in that they might find others that will do things with them, but those connections are often short lived and surface.

So, my conclusion is that just like media, the best matches of friends or otherwise are those that have a combination of both qualities.  So, here's hoping we can get past the walls and divisions we create in our society to learn to appreciate in others what is missing in ourselves.  We might just find greater happiness in the combination.

Flicker

 Flicker...

The candle wanes down down down

I drew comfort from the light, but now it is ending

What will I do without it's light.

Flicker...

I walk down a path lit by its rays

What will become of me, when the candle is no more

Will I lose my way in the dark?

Flicker...

I watch as the candle takes its last gasp 

Takes its last courageous breath, and then no more.

And, at first all I can see is nothing.

Flicker...

Then, eyes adjust to a mystical miracle

All about me I see celestial lighting, guiding symmetry

Stars above and moonlit echo from below.

Flicker...

It has been here all the time

Every night I walked without, blinded by candlelight

And, now, I finally can see.

 

 

Troubling History

 The other day, I passed a car painted like the General Lee from Dukes of Hazzard.  I was going to snap a picture of it and post, saying something like.... A great car from a great show that was hardly as controversial as it became decades later.  I was going to say something like... when we watched the show, it was just kids of a moonshine running guy that were out there having fun and avoiding the law with a very hot actress.  Then, my mind started critiquing my own narrative..

..why DID they have a confederate flag on the car?  Was it supposed to be good to be breaking the law?  And, when this guy painted his car with that flag, was it just for the show or more?

I know... the confederacy had good things in it that the North rarely did.  In an age of industrial growth, they were focused on things like family, civility, and tradition... but they did also OWN people.  There was definitely mistreatment of slaves, women, and even children.  Not all of that was part of the tradition, but it did exist.  So, when those that promoted the good ignored the bad, it was like an enabler saying what a hard worker and provider the abusive father is.

But, we have a history of doing this.  The church is particularly clear as an example of this.  A few months ago, a trans kid was beaten up and later died after being bullied.  Whether that beating or the harassment of the trans student directly caused the death or indirectly did is beside the point.  The facts of the events are clear.  It happened in that order.  Shortly, a church of Fred Phelps showed up that has been the subject of controversy for decades for showing up at funerals to condemn soldiers and LGBTQ events to shout that they are all going to go to hell.  However... neither the abuse of the trans kid or the actions of the extreme church was condemned by churches around the country, nor church members that were out there saying how loving Christ and the Church was and that others should come.

But... again... without acknowledging or calling out the evil done by church members, we are back to the enabler justifying the abuser.  If you can't condemn someone in your group for saying or doing something, it makes you seem to be an ally of the evil.  And, while SOME FEW of the church are out there doing some good (which deserves congratulation, albeit acknowledgement that non religious people are doing that too), MOST in the churches never give to charity, and almost all of their contributions go to a bigger church and well dressed and driven and housed ministers.  That's just a fact.  Also a fact is that the historical church defended the above slavery, since even in the Bible Paul tells a slave to go back to his owner.  The church was very slow to condemn Hitler, because Hitler used religious symbols and had a perverted church.  The church burned witches for hundreds of years in different places... picture it... literally BURNED women who even if their charge was true simply believed otherwise.  They marched into the middle east in the crusades and killed men, women, and children and sexually abused many, simply because they had a different faith.  Simply having a different faith has been the origin for MANY wars in the past and even some of the present, I believe.  Women were treated like property, and there are BIBLE accounts where "God" supposedly told his people to go kill every man, woman, and CHILD of other regions... as well as all their animals.

All of that is truth.  Ignoring it won't make it any less true, but it will make it look like you tacitly approve of what was done.  Then, whether or not you actually approve of those events, children and generations grow up watching all this and BELIEVE you approved of it and it gets re-enacted.  My point is that you can't just sit silently on some things, and you cannot hide the truth.  I've mentioned in other posts how my silence for a long time in personal matters allowed a narcissistic ex and others to create false narratives about me, and because I wasn't vocally objecting to them even my children were and are being swayed by the fiction to make the ones saying it have more power over me and more sway over others.  Indeed, even as I move, I must explain WHY my ex withheld my child from me to diffuse the created narrative that I did something wrong, which is automatically the assumption when any man divorces... because granted it is rare for a woman to be as big of a btch as mine was and is.  It is why Johnny Depp faced such an uphill battle upon accusation BY the abuser.

I am always focused on truth, but the truth needs to have more effect in our world, today.  It needs to be spoken, owned, and if needed contrition shown.  It may be truth that WE are not the racists that our ancestors were, and they may have been just doing it because it was trendy and done in the day... we can definitely understand that in our trends driven society.  However, if we fail to acknowledge the evil done, we are only setting ourselves up to be judged guilty of the same crime.  Even in Christianity, you cannot get forgiveness without confession, and there seems to be VERY little confession of any evils done being done in our world, today.

I Walk In Beauty, Like The Night.

My omage to the first poem that got me interested in poetry in high school literature and expanded me outward into all the arts in interest....She Walks in Beauty, Like the Night.  Mine will be more personal and unique, but I think I want to write a book of poetry... which is the least profitable thing that I could chose to do, so I guess that makes me an artist.  Ha.  Anyway... to begin..

I Walk In Beauty, Like The Night

 

I walk in beauty, like the night,

And in the darkness find my light.

No home in bright, less cure for shine.

But the inward glare does find more

Than, ere I was even looking for.

And, treasures await a heart fit to explore.

Nature stirs to notice a change,

A break in the story long programmed,

An echo of  heart beginning to wake,

A depth of breath so long withheld.

And, life pauses to absorb the meld,

Of true seed planted where tradition failed.

A sigh, a laugh, a cry, a stare.

Wisdom born, a soul set free,

A love that's free, a mind that hears,

A quiet sound that springs forth hope,

Demands attention of world sick of trope,

A curious heart to itself elopes.

 

And, the world stands by for the  stanza.

Fiction: The Haniwork of Narcissists

There is a reason why fiction sections and bookstores are much bigger than biographies. And there is a reason why people prefer movies and TV shows over documentaries. We have a fascination with fiction. And fiction is the handiwork of a narcissist. With fiction they can control someone even after they no longer have them by controlling the perception of others about them.

Fourteen years ago, I escaped a very toxic relationship that had made me extremely stressed out and mentally depressed for over a decade. I chose it for my own mental peace, but my ex would not honor my desire for peace.  And, I would spend the next decade or more dealing with one thing after another where she was trying to inflict suffering on me for having the gall to leave her.  But, who cares what one person thinks about you? What damage can they do? A lot as it turns out.

When you are one person and I believe especially if you are a man, and you are not in a relationship the future women that you've come in contact with wonder why you are not in that relationship and I have experienced them all... that you ended it because you are careless or that you did something to cause them to want to do something against you or so on. And then the next person carries those doubts into the relationship and that affects their perception of them and possibly causes an ending there. I'm not saying this simply as a victim for I have been responsible for misconceptions myself at various times.

But when one person believes something and that causes another person to believe something. Then, the third person wonders well you have these other two people that didn't like him and the misconception grows. This happens in the absence of future actions by the narcissist, but rarely does a narcissist just give up. In my case, the narcissist was my ex and we had a child together.  So that narcissist was very concerned about the child's perception of them and who was wrong in the divorce.. because they see divorce as being evil and bad the person that is responsible for the divorce. They have to make the other person out to be this bad person. Not just to themselves, but to their child.

Unfortunately, I've had to deal with that over my existence with my child. Having to respond to their attempts to control the perception by creating false charges or assumptions in the mind of the child by my ex.  The child not wanting to have a bad relationship with your parent will often go along with it.  I've actually had conversations with my child where I learned that when they are with the other parent they go along with what the parent is saying, because they don't want to make that parent upset, even if they don't believe that about the parent themselves.  However, repeated lies being told that the other person their other parent is a bad person can take a toll upon parent-child relationships. Now, the deception bubble grows .. not only do you have future romantic interests that now doubt you, but you have relatives, friends, others that say, well, all these people don't like him, so something must be wrong and now they're on a fishing expedition to find out what it is.  That causes someone to have so much rejections.  Such is the handiwork  narcissist.

Then, if you speak up...again I believe as a man.. you are told to let it go and not protest, being seen as the aggressor and told to just walk away in peace, which I'd exactly how you got to the situation and false perception to begin with...and the work of the narcissist to control you is complete.

I don't really have a solution to this, other than get far away from them and try not to talk about them or be available for them to continue to abuse.  But, I guess the lesson I would provide is this... be very careful who you marry and walk away if it is toxic...far away.. before you get invested with someone that can destroy your life long after you are no longer their puppet.

Go For It But Learn

My philosophy.. especially lately.. is to always try things and see if it responds back to you.  I don't just mean romantically or friendship but location and situation.

You've heard me blog about the principle of resonance and how you can ring and ring but if something is not like you it won't ring any bells in them, too.  But, the tricky thing about resonance, though, is you cannot know if it is there til you try for it. 

However, the lesson that I've always been slow at learning is if there is not resonance, you need to stop sitting there banging your bell, expecting something to happen.  I'm getting better at it, but it took almost 4 years of almost monthly crisis for me to realize that Florida was not working for me. I know that I wanted to be here with my child, but I would end up having to work so hard to try to meet the expenses that you find in Florida that I was always working, even on weekends when I often had them.  And, I was always struggling to be able to afford presents and to enjoy the time that I had with them.

If I had spent the time in Oklahoma, instead, I could have afforded trips down to see them very often, more expensive gifts, and probably a better relationship overall. I thought it would be a good gesture that they would have seen about me coming down to spend my time near them when all they wanted to was be able to talk to me every now and then and for me to give them space to grow as a young as a growing teen.

There was five years that she's lived with me mainly for custody, and her mother didn't move to be close to us.  I thought my being here would have been something that would have meant something. 

But, look at now...even though their mother didn't make the journey to live near them, during those 5 years, they now have a semi functional relationship and they are currently living in her house.  So, those 5 years didn't obviously do much damage. If I had, instead, stayed in Oklahoma, built up a good career with good money and possibly even established a good family there, they would have been much more happy coming to visit for summers and winters and be able to live the kind of income lifestyle that I know is one of the reasons that they like to live with their mom. Sometimes, sacrifice for someone else us not for someone else but their perception of you, and sometimes it's just stupid.

If you feel you are trying over and over and not seeing resonance with your plan, it sounds like you're on the wrong plan and need to make some adjustments.  That's what I'm doing, now.  And,  I will be more quick to judge things by what results or efforts I see or lack thereof than just on hope and desire to see.  And, I will only invest my time in things that I feel working back with me.

Best Use of Energy

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?  Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" Luke 12:25-26

This is not going to be a religious post, but that verse seemed worthy to start.

People often ask me why it is that I don't fear tornadoes in Oklahoma.  Indeed, I used to go out when they were near and try to see them from the porch or balcony, unless it was particularly windy and clouded.  Why didn't I fear?  I used to.  I used to get very frenzied in my younger years.  However, over the last few decades, I learned a few things.  I used to say that if a tornado was going to hit you, it will.. whether you are afraid of it or not.  Fear in that case was rather useless.  You can take precautions, if you like.  But, again.... fear is often paralyzing in your precautionary plans, too.  In order to respond, you have to get over the fear and to your rational mind.  Fear... is not a very good use of your energy.

In my life, I have faced a LOT of challenges that would destroy many others.  When it begins to me, I have got conditioned to just stop, think rationally, and respond.  Yesterday, for example, I was delivering an Ubereats delivery.  This order took me far out in the boon docks away from civilization.  I was 15 miles form the nearest town.  The instructions of the delivery was to go down a dirt road to their house.  I saw a dirt road and a house on the other side of it, so I assumed that was the road.  As it turned out... and as I realized half way down the path.. the road they talked about was literally 15 feet to my right, and what I was driving on was a sand path on the side of their farm pasture.  It had tracks, so I assumed it was a road, but that might have been tractor tracks.  Anyway, I soon found my car dug down in the sand and not moving.

I had the opportunity and cause to fear... what would I do?  Rather, I began working on one reason option or another.  I tried digging my wheels out, which did very little.  I tried driving over my beach chair legs for traction.  No effect.  I called the person I was delivering to.. they didn't have a way to get me out and wasn't free to do anything to help.  So, I called for a tow ... I get 4 free per year in the Uber app.  So, I googled to get the nearest address and set it up... and waited... for two hours.  Luckily, I did have fuel to last me idling, so I could keep air on with record Florida temps and to keep my phone from dying.  And, I had the drinks of the order that had to get canceled to drink to stay hydrated.  When the guy go to me, we had to work with several different attempts to get out of the sand, and finally with my back of my car lifted from the ground by the tow truck and us both gunning our wheels, we slowly made it back to the road, and I was on my way.  What COULD have paralyzed me or made me fear became an adventure for me to tell about how I overcame it, instead.

Is that how you respond to things?  I'll admit that it is not always the way I do, either.  Sometimes, I will get mired down in self pity or depression from reflecting on the past, or I will get mentally sidetracked by fear of what will happen in the future.  But, in both cases, actual progress doesn't happen until I put that aside and actually respond to the situation in front of me with reason and determination.  ALL of those options are the same mental energy being used, but only one was the correct path to actually FIX my problem or improve my situation.

You have a choice .. how do you want to use the time and energy that you are given?  I used to say that if I ever were going to die, I wouldn't want to know about it.  I would rather use my last days succeeding and enjoying what I could, right up to my last breath.  In your life, how do you want to live your life... how do you want your days to be?  Would you rather go about feeling depressed for the past, fearful for the future, paralyzed for your present.... or would you rather kick a** living life on a passionate quest right up to the end?  

Another thing I used to say is this... the absolute value or worthiness of an attempt is not dependent on the success of it.  I would change that, slightly as I aged, to say that you need to bring reason along and not waste your time and effort on paths that you know is not going to be successful.  However, the drive to do SOMETHING...to always want to improve yourself and your surroundings.. is something that is inherent in a hopeful life.  If you believe in yourself, you WILL be doing it, regardless of the success, until you cannot do it any more.  That is the difference between living and gradually dying before you are dead.

Laws of Motion

 I thought it would be a good segwey into my next point to begin by stating the laws of motion.. No, I don't mean the auto accident caused by them into the back of my car...ha.  I mean the scientific laws of motion.

1.  "A body remains at rest, or in motion at a constant speed in a straight line, except insofar as it is acted upon by a force."

Or more simply put... a body at rest remains at rest, and a body in motion remains in motion, until it is acted upon by another force.

There is a direct reflection of this in how life happens, too.  We can get mired down in where we are and what we are doing, even if it is in a bad situation, and we will just keep repeating the same process over and over until a force rises up within us to say... I've had enough with this and do something to act upon the process.

I was reflecting today about my time in Florida.  Whew... what an experience... not really sure it's one that I will be lamenting losing, any time soon.  But, let me recollect some of it.

Well, I arrived in the state in the middle of a pandemic without a car, staying in the cheapest motel I could find and used SBA money to buy a car for my delivery business with which to... buy.  It wasn't a great vehicle.  It was previously owned by a painter, and the back of the vehicle was covered in paint splatters, and there were numerous mechanical issues I'd have to fix, including the busted windshield I'd have to fix  before I could even get it registered and insured to drive.  I would stay for 6 months in a extended stay that was in such a bad area of town that it literally had bars surrounding the building, and you had to enter and leave through the front office desk door.  You weren't allowed to have overnight guests, and I heard gunshots more than once.

Eventually, I earned enough to move into a better extended stay, but that one would have issues, too.  In my time, here, I have had about 7 different neighbors that shared my wall and more upstairs.  The police would visit for one issue or another about once a month, and that vehicle I mentioned would end up being stolen from this location, while I lived here.  There were multiple parties that would be loud outside my door that would run into the early morning hours... like 3-4 sometimes.  And, I had one police officer ask me about the upstairs neighbors treatment of their kid, who from what I gathered was being beaten or such.

Job wise... some were ok, albeit run on a shoestring budget of technology and disruptive organization.  However, there were others that would test me to just stay there just trying to stick it out.  In my last one, before I would return to driving full time, again, I would have a woman that I liked but with whom I had completely innocent conversations lasting all but 5 minutes or less about things like what music they liked or what things they liked to do file a harrassment charge against me.  There was no merit to it, and it was dismissed rather quickly, but that would be a hint of the workplace I would have.  I was hired for one job, but I only worked ONLY in that job for maybe 3 weeks, total.. and then not fully, because I was pulled over to do THIS job or THAT job, because people had quit and they needed someone to cover it.  I was having to learn a new department every month to cover someone else's job.  It was SPECIFICALLY what I told them I did not want in my job interview.  Then, during that time, I would have the beginnings of eye surgeries, and I was out of work for a month with the first one.  When I came back, I was assigned a completely new job, because they filled my old one, where I was not trained to do it.  Meanwhile, the supervisor over me was demanding that I finish reports for the OLD job that was usually his responsibility to do and of which he had done NOTHING in the time that I was gone.  He would go on to pin the blame to his managers upon me for not doing it... while I was tasked out and then medically out.  So, I quit.

On the eye issue, I would continue to have eye issues and would have multiple new surgeries til only the last few months, where I had to cover money for rent and food with the slim amount of retirement money I made in that job I had worked and go from monthly to weekly rent to make it happen, at a higher rate.  It was during this period, when I was dealing with the realities of my medical challenges and debt challenges that my ex would tell me that she had just decided to not honor our custody agreement, and I would not be getting my child for Christmas or weekends, and if I didn't like I I could "sue me, but you won't win before she is 18, anyway."  My ex definitely makes it hard for me to believe in or trust women, and I won't regret leaving the state, so I can be healed in the silence.  

Of course, there were other dating disasters in the time.  There was the woman that dated me a few times, invited me to stay in her house and sleep in her bed (nothing happened) only to break up with me on my drive home, telling me that GOD had told her that she shouldn't be dating me.  Ha.  It might have had more to do with her daughter that didn't like her mom dating, anyone.  There was the woman that went on one date with me and attacked me, afterwards, for not wanting to continue.. I was honest, and the woman that I told from the start that I was only interested in being friends that attacked me for not walking her to her car, having a problem with her ordering food for her kid at home on my tab, and not being romantic enough... despite... again.. it never being a full date.  Oh.. and the woman that messaged and chatted with me for months but never met up with me, canceling our dates or not showing up each scheduled attempt.  There were a few more, but you get the picture.

Oh... let's not forget the person that was a close friend to me for a long time but acted in a more than friend fashion, often.  She would call or text me to come to her place for wine and chill watching movies or eating food, or we would go out to sit on the beach at night or in a candlelight concert that she suggested among the many two person things we did for months.  When I would ask her for a real full date that we called a date, she would get mad and block me and never speak to me, again.... which did great wonders for my self esteem that she would rather end the friendship than go on a single date with me... which wouldn't have been that different than what we were already doing.

Let's see.. there were also multiple mechanical issues.  Once, at that job I mentioned, right after hire and before I could even get my paycheck, I had my starter go out and had to be paid by credit for it and alternator and more, as they tried to fix it.  Then, because of that credit, I had very little spending money and had to deliver evenings and weekends AS I worked at a job in the day with a two hour evening commute home.  There would be other mechanical issues that I had to come up with solutions.  But, to simplify, I can't think of a single month that I lived in this state, where I was not facing some kind of unexpected challenge that just popped up.  You'd THINK I would have done something about it long before I was finally faced with the reality of having.. NO ONE except a girl I dated (the only good dates) to pick me up from a hospital and having lost all reason and assets for living here.  When I reached that point, that was my FORCE that rose within myself to change the motion of a very destructive location and pattern.

 2.  "At any instant of time, the net force on a body is equal to the body's acceleration multiplied by its mass or, equivalently, the rate at which the body's momentum is changing with time."

Or.. to put it simply, the larger the object, the greater the force needed to change it.  That's kinda like when you build up a long marriage with someone that treated you bad over all those years like my first ex.  It is even HARDER to escape after it, if you let it build mass around it and gave the other person the feeling that it is ok to treat you like that.  So, it is of no surprise that over a decade after that marriage ended.. 14 years, actually, she is still upset that she lost power over me and is still trying to find ways to regain some power to affect me.  When you know something is wrong, don't wait trying to see if it will just fix itself.  I've become much quicker at recognizing bad signs and ending things than I was at the start.  One clear sign is to ask yourself if they are there for YOU or for themselves.  I had a meme once that said the quickest way to know if someone is for you is to tell them no.  If they care for you, they will accept no for your happiness and seek what you want.  If they are only interested in themselves, they will see any act of yours that does not satisfy their desires as a personal attack upon them.

3.  "If two bodies exert forces on each other, these forces have the same magnitude but opposite directions."

Or, to continue our life lesson, the more you act to try to fix or improve your life, the more resistance you will find of others or situations that want to keep you as you are.  Change is never going to be easy.  There is always going to be opposition.  But, if you need that change, you need to realize that those opposing forces will keep you in the same broken patterns and be willing to setup NEW patterns or structures that will support the change you are trying to make.  I'd also add one thing... debt is a hard force to overcome.  So, make sure you are well funded.  That will make all the rest easier to overcome.

So, I hope this technique for mentally processing things for me has helped you, too.  At the very least, I hope you find it entertaining.  Life moves on without us in the directions we begin or the forces placed upon us.  If we hope to have any change for the better, it is going to take action and determination to bring it about.  Here's to your task to bring that about in your own life, as well.

 

Lessons of a Heathen

I've noted this at times over the many years in blog posts, but it is worth noting again as I go through the educational process, again.

I'm a pretty independent minded person... objective but not judgmental and more self critical than outward.  That tends to put me on the edge of people's comfort zone... on most sides and opinions.  It's not a new reality, and I've come to be ok with it.  In fact, sometimes I like challenging the status quo, just because it needs challenging to promote discussion and defend the condemned, way more often than a single prostitute being stoned... and I don't just draw in the dirt when I do it.  That tends to give me lots of alone time for self evaluation and an independent foundation.  But, it also gives me freedom and peace and liberty to delve into necessary self criticism that many others don't have.

Having comes with a fear of losing.  When you have something or someone, you spend a lot of time focused on being good enough for them or taking care of it, and you can very easily become so distracted that you don't even ask yourself what you want and lose the ability to change, as others expect you to be a certain way... an image for you to maintain.  However, when you lose e everything, you gain yourself in much deeper level.  You can also address personal things that needed addressing like self improvement, change, and even confession... because.. who do you have to impress and what do you have to lose?

It also helps you to understand something that many will not know around you... something they will fight to deny, as well.  The darkness is our friend.  Happy and bright can be blinding, while you find much more clarity and sight when the lights dim.  It is in our struggles that we learn the most about ourselves and the world around us.  Sugar tastes good but makes your body weak.  Comfort can paralyze you.  Rest can make you poor.  It is only when we welcome struggle that we improve.  Indeed, I spent years waiting on God and goodness to come fix all my life without answer, but I have always increased my life in response to tragedy.  Indeed, even the money I have to move and had to afford a used car that saves me money from no car payment came from being hit in my car by someone.  Is God behind evil?  Good question... think about that.  Regardless, there is a purpose for the dark.  It's why it exists in our daily lives and nights, as well.

I don't want to make this too long, but I just wanted to note that if you are going through a struggle and are praying for it to disappear, pause for a moment.  See if it can teach you anything or if you have any changes that it may be prompting ... or reveal things in others that you don't want to see.  Consider how you can improve your life or what it may be showing you that you desire.  Then, when you have gained all you can from it, thank the dark for what it taught you and let it go.  Look and move forward, as as more mature and complete person and smile as you shine your own light in your own way to guide your path that lay ahead.

I don't have a lot of success in my life to teach you how to achieve, but what I do have... a lot... is lessons on how to keep going and rise up when it kicks you down, and that was the original purpose of this blog.  I will continue to be a journal of the journey that most don't want to consider, so it can help you when all others have walked away.  I hope it helps you not to escape your darkness but to learn to love yourself and others within it.

Single Freedom

 Single.. single.. single..

That was the embarrassing shout of the carnival operator at the ferris wheel in Never Been Kissed, where Drew Barrymore was pretending to be a high school student for a story.  I think she asked him not to say it that way, because it embarrassed her.

Isn't that us?  We feel embarrassed to be single.  In fact, if you find a "singles" group out there in FB or otherwise, it is probably intended to CHANGE that status.  I remember when I was in one of those groups and posted the idea that being single was ok all by itself and that you could stay happy single, I was attacked by the group leaders and others that demanded that you MUST be LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.

There is a funny movie that I should watch again called The Lobster starring Colin Ferrell.  In that movie, you had to find someone to mate with or you would be transformed into an animal of your choice.  In one scene the star says that a dog that he has was his brother that didn't find someone.  There is SUCH a demand that you must be a part of a couple.  I know that as a person that loves music, it is VERY hard to find music that is not about finding someone, hurting from someone, or such.

In my recent more cynical vibe, I have found much more peace, actually, in not seeking that.  We spend so much of our lives feeling inadequate for someone in the past, someone in the future, or in comparison to others in society.  When you finally say... fk it.. and just love yourself being yourself, it is transformational.  

But, even before that moment, I had moments of joy being single, and I am sure that everyone that was single or is single can testify.  I get up and can wear what I want.  I can go work and use my phone for fun and not worrying about whether someone is texting me.  I come home and can watch what I want, drink what I want, etc.  I can scope out someone sexy when I am out or look at porn or enjoy looking at sexy stars in my movies and shows.  I don't have to check with someone before I tell someone what I believe, and I don't have constant fear that something will end.

Will it ever change.. maybe.  But, I want you to get this... being single isn't a sin, and it isn't being broken.  It is being how you were made... period.  And, that person is good... so stop pretending it isn't.  Enjoy yourself, but better yet BE YOURSELF to the world.  Let that light shine, and stop feeling that you are incomplete til you find someone to limit you.  Single freedom is a treasure not to be surrendered, til someone is worth the sacrifice.

Reason

Reason has rarely failed me.  Emotional pursuits.. often.  It sucks being an INFJ, because I have to try to balance those, but as I look back over my life I find that the worst struggles that I faced came as a result of following some emotional or hopeful pursuit.  I don't just mean romance, but there have been a lot of times that I did something to please someone or out of hope that it would turn into something great.  It almost never did.  

I remember one time trying to sell life insurance for a month.  I spent an entire month going door to door to contacts and sold.. nothing.. made ... nothing.. for a month.  There has also been multiple internet or web or writing attempts to make money that resulted in very little.  I do appreciate the fact that I kept trying and learning, but the lesson learned after a life of following those pursuits and a life of using reason to guide my path shows me that I have better results with reason.

Indeed.. from an early age, I learned that I could accomplish things with my mind.  I got a lot of academic awards in high school, and I would graduate with High Honors all because I applied my brain.  And, every time that I had to overcome a budget crisis in my life, it would be my mind that would come to the rescue of finding a good path.  

This is going to be a short post.  I just wanted to note that "using your head to guard your heart" is not the only reason it is there.  You can also use it to guide your choices to have a more prosperous and beneficial life, and that is my goal, right now.  I'm not interested in finding romance or love at this point, and I think that my pursuits of that has in fact been the very thing that has distracted me from making positive choices in that area.  My goal is to be my best self, and that self will ALSO have a heart... but I will not be letting that heart make the decisions for a while.  I imagine when it is time to use it, it will make sense, as well.

Pace Yourself

I've never been a sprinter... part of being short and a little overweight.  It's part of how I got the bully nickname of 'thunder thighs" among others.  However, I had endurance, so I would run lond distance runs in track at times.  Do they even have track, anymore?  I don't recall hearing about it as my kids grew up.  And, if I tried to sprint, I might just hurt myself or pass out.  But, I learned that if I slowed down into a slower pace, I could go longer distance without feeling overwhelmed.  I'd apply this in running 5K runs, as well. In all those runs, most would take off in a sprint, but many would burn out and be passed by me, later.

The same can be applied to life, even though I forget it, often.  Most often, I run my life with intensity, driven to overcome immediate problems with immediate solutions.  When I can't see the solution in my life, I feel it is a failure.  However, most solutions that are long term take time to do.  

Plus, too much too fast is not always good.  I can definitely see that in my life.  When I tried to date or have romance or love someone, I always applied myself 100 percent from the beginning,  without even taking the time to know if it was right.  Then, when it wasn't, my love for them became an irritance to them.  I never got that.  I felt like one of their friends would mock them, saying something like...ooo someone loves you.. how tragic.  But, if it isn't a good fit and the gap of what we need and what someone is grows, the other one pushing it becomes a problem... or maybe the intensity doesn't allow enough freedom for love to develop.  Regardless, it is like sprinting above.  You begin with good intentions but shoot yourself in the foot by nor pacing yourself.

Recently, I began feeling prosperity coming in the kind of feeling that is almost always right.  So, I was doing lottery tickets, applying for high salary jobs and more, feeling that would produce it.  Then, I realized my CURRENT position and plan gets me there, just as well... just takes longer.  After my move and with my car owned and not on payments, I will be up to 900 over bills each month in Oklahoma.  Get that?  More prosperous in a poorer state.  Anyway... 900 x 12 months is 10 thousand over a year... in my current lower stress lifestyle.  Would I take a higher paying job, sure.  But, I still get there either way.  I just have to pace myself.

So, whatever you want, don't rush.  Take your time.  It's the best way to make sure you go the distance.  It reminds me of a signature I saw once on a writer group by an author.  She said, "Don't worry.  Don't hurry.  And, don't forget to smell the flowers."

Knowledge of Good and Evil

Why do we have an assumption that "good" is pleasant?  Why do we define a good day or a good year or such as something where everything goes our way?  We rightly are aware of those that would just use us for themselves and seek liberty from the control of others to be able to live our own lives, but as a society we have for thousands of years defined the very definition of good to be based upon our own desired outcomes.  I have come to realize over the last years, especially, that much of what we decide is evil is either for our own good or is good, itself, for the changes and growth that it creates within us.  Even when something is bad and sad in truth, it leaves us changed and matured for the better, often.  But, since traditions are passed down from generation to generation, the story is written or told to be that good is what we desire, and evil is what we do not, even if that is not necessarily objectively the story that has happened or even what prior generations wanted us to learn.

In my life, I have had a lot of struggles and things happening that I did not want to happen.  I have had others abandon me, and I have learned that I had to overcome much on my own... to rise when I fell, even when I didn't want to do so.  I'm not alone.  I believe that given enough time that everyone will learn this in varying degrees.  Why?   It is a truth.  

Imagine that you wanted to prepare your kid for success in this life.  Would you want to tell them to always believe in the best of others and rely upon others only to be hurt over and over again?  Or, do you want to prepare them for what society REALLY looks like, so they can navigate life with wisdom to prosper?  I am reminded of the movie The Village where a group of counselors created a society and didn't tell the kids born into it the truth but gave them horror stories about monsters on the outside to keep them inside, where it is safe.  As such, they became unprepared for the simplest of challenges that presented themselves and horrors that can be found within, as well.

So, returning to my point, above.  Is GOOD having no challenges, or is good found in the trials and struggles that educate us.  I made a comment on my social media some weeks back where I said that while I don't think it justifies a god to do it that being forced to experience evil can cause us to grow and take the steering wheel to create the kind of life that we want to have.  At the time, I said that the only way that you can justify it is to say that the devil is working for God, since the "evil" done to us causes us to become a more mature person and for us to create our own lives and more around us.  There might be some truth to this, and I think it is actually found in the Bible written by men trying to convey truths.

The earliest book of the Bible that was written, according to dating and tradition, is the book of Job.  In that book, the devil comes walking right into God's presence without restriction or binding.  He discusses Job with God, and then God has the devil strike down Job with sickness and poverty.  Society has deemed this as a trial that Job had to overcome... but .. was it?

Recall that in the Garden of Eden that the tree of whose fruit was eaten by man in the first "fall" was the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  The tree was present... in the perfect garden that was made by God.  It was honored and protected, in fact.  Then, mankind was... punished, as described by many churches, today... by being given work for men and childbirth pains by women.  Of course this is all analogy, but what were they trying to teach?  Is work bad?  Is childbirth bad?  No.  But, those things that bring us good came with discomfort and struggle.  It was the beginning of the lesson of the tree... and it was GOOD.

We all must struggle.  I know that it always feels personal.  We feel that our lives are cursed and not as good as others.  However, over my life, I have heard people of all backgrounds and levels say that they are struggling over this or that.  So, my life wasn't abnormal to face struggle.  It was normal.. It was prescribed.  It's not always the same level of struggle, and more of us have more struggle than others.  But, that means we are more educated and wise.

Then, after we experience people letting us down, we learn to stand on our own.  When plans fall through, we learn to be prepared for unexpected changes.  When our dreams are shattered, we learn to be more realistic.  And, when we lack, we learn to create.  We are gods of our own lives, and that is the divine plan... much like the independence we want for our own children to thrive without us.  We create good by acting with intention, or we create bad by resignation, fear, and bitterness.

Also, as we learn to stand on our own, we will face judgment by others for doing it.  This too is educational, as it teaches us to stop caring about the judgment of others in order to have what we want to have to be happy.  That wouldn't happen if we were content to change whenever someone objected to us in a world free of conflict.  

Life also leads us to a life of being content being isolated.  It's built right into our code.  We do what we like.  Others that don't like those things back off some.  Not everyone wants the same thing, so we learn to accept others for being different and as we differ from one person or another we learn to like things on our own and be ok with that.  We were born single.  We will have many single moments over our lives, even if we are in a relationship.  In fact, it is healthy to have personal time, even in a relationship.  Why?  Being able to stand on your own is a part of the lesson, as well.  It is... GOOD.

So, to return to the initial question.  Why do we have the assumption that "good" is pleasant?  It is because we define good and evil in terms of what we desire instead of what will grow us as a person and make positive changes in our lives prompted by loss and discontent.  And, that definition will often be the very thing that will stop us from finding the happiness that can lie in the freedom of the journey and the growth and changes in our lives that we will find along the way.

 

Games

 I saw a post online about an old MS Dos game, and I thought I'd go ahead and give my perspective of the growth of games from when I was young to now.

When I was growing up, we didn't have a computer.. no one did, except maybe scientists or NASA or some universities.  Then, they started coming out, but they were very expensive.  I remember that I bought a desktop that was very slow, and 2 megabytes of Ram would cost you a hundred dollars and you connected by a very loud and very slow modem that you connected by calling a number... preferably local to avoid long distance charges.  But... that's computers.  I'm getting ahead of myself... will come back to that.

Games were different when I was growing up.  Most were not on an electronic device.  You can the Rubic's Cube, Rubic's Snake, etch a sketch, and so on.  There were electronic ones, of course... but they were not on a computer.  There was a red one that looked almost like a phone, and you had to repeat patterns or try to black out all the dots or such.  We had games on our watches like race car ones where you  moved a dot back and forth and pretended it was a car and so on.  That was ADVANCED for us, back then.

There were things you could connect to your tv to play things like PONG.. basically ping pong back and forth and such.  Then, came Atari.  You got a stick controller and could play very basic graphical games.  This would be replaced by Nintendo or Commodore controller games.  The graphics were very basic, but you could spend hours playing those games.

Then, you got computers.. back to where I was, before.  The computers came with games, but most were DOS based and not in Windows.  Even when there was windows, you would open a DOS box to play the games.  As I mentioned... it could get expensive and slow transferring to play them by internet, so most were bought and played on the computer, itself.  You could download them, but.. again.. took a while to download.

At universities and colleges, you could connect to other universities and government installations via Telnet and such.  This allowed for multi player worlds, but it wasn't graphical but text based.  It would tell you your environment, and you would type commands, such as pray to the goddess for a sword and so on.  At universities, you could also chat with others via IRC... inter relay chat... but that would become taboo and banned, as you could find x rated groups and pics on there and more.  Usenet would replace it, but likewise there was very little moderation and chats got very toxic.

Slowly, graphics increased in the DOS games, and you got to an age of side scrolling shooters, which let you play games like the old Double Dragon and Pitfall that we used to play on Nintendo.  I recall one was called Vinyl Goddess From Mars, and it had a very little pixelated woman in a sexy corset... as growing boy and young adult, you had to know I would know all about that one.  Ha.

Then, came the earliest versions of gaming consoles.  You could rent one at the video store, just like a video, with a deposit.  The games were higher versions of graphics than before, and you could build up worlds to play, but they were small characters and much less graphics than now.  But, I remember spending DAYS playing things like Warcraft, Starcraft, Command and Conquer, and flying games.  As the graphics increased, more complex games were possible.  I remember working night shift in the military at a duty station, and we played DOA for hours through the night.

Now, of course, game systems and graphics are beyond anything like back then.  The prices also went up, and I haven't been able to afford one for a long time with life changes and budget challenges.  I think that may change this summer.  I bought games for my children, though... WII, Switch, etc.  I do play some on my computer, some times.  I have a Minecraft game bought, but I don't want to hog the extended stay internet.  I play games on my phone, sometimes.  But, I look forward to exploring what all is out there in the future, as I am able.  Why not?  The tv series based on games have very complex plots, so it might be very worth it to try.

Change

We all know that famous line from The Hobbit where Bilbo announced, "I'm going on an adventure."  Adventures are rarely defined and always scary.  You don't know what lies ahead, and you will face a change in your surroundings and company along the way, but ... even more... you will find a change in yourself will accompany it.

When I first went into Basic training for the Army, I thought it was pure torture.  The first few weeks are called "hell weeks" for a reason.  The whole purpose of those weeks and basic, itself, was to break you down so that you could be built back up.  I fully believe that today's basic is probably a different experience than it was when I went through it.  We endured a lot back then in our lives that would never be allowed in our current day, and that is a shame to a degree.  When your supports are gone, and it is just you versus failure, You discover parts of yourself that you never knew existed.  I remember the pride that I felt when I was in my final weeks, and I thought to myself... I did it.  I COULD DO it, after all.  My Basic training graduation brought more pride in myself than any other graduation or award in my life, because I found the strength to do it when my muscles were literally shaking in my showers at the end of the day.

I exited that training a different person than I was when I entered that training.  I entered scared and unsure.  I left feeling I could conquer and do ANYTHING if I put my mind to it.. a belief and drive that would carry me through many challenges over my life.  You need that confidence to become more than you are, and no one else will give it to you.

Today, I was thinking about how when I am delivering there is no guarantee for making enough money, each day.  I remembered that in my first few years of doing it, I would drive all day under a cloud of stress and anxiety that I would make enough to pay my bills.  Each time there was a lull, I would feel all the fears of failure come upon me.  Then, I would over the years discover that if I just kept going and learn from good areas vs bad areas and so on, I would always make my budget.  The same is true for overcoming challenges that hit me.... I used to stress so hard about them.  But, I learned over my life that it really didn't matter if I did, but I would still overcome, every time.  So... the next time, I just waited .... waited for the next delivery... waited to learn how I would overcome.. knowing I would.  It became an adventure, instead of a crisis.

But, change .. changes you.  Growth changes you.  You become a new person, more confident and more capable with each change.  It's the same you... just matured like a fine wine.  

It always amazes me that people look at god or gods and say... THIS is how they are, and they do not change.  Yet, literature about gods show them being very different to different people and over time.  But, the QUALITIES remain... only mixed in a more mature balance.  The same is true for us.  How we are is very different than when we were 11.  Remember how ignorant we were back then and all the false assumptions we had of society?  Unfortunately, many adults continue to live that naive, but others have matured over time.  Some would call it cynical, but I tend to see it as realistic, since it is based... in fact... in reality.

Don't feel bad that you lose your once innocent spark.  If you were to regain it, you would be once again bait for others to misuse.  Even Jesus says be wise as serpents but innocent as doves.  I would take issue with the innocent part (probably inserted by some monk along the way), since even Jesus overturned money tables.  Wisdom is a viture, and it doesn't come from roses and rainbows.  It comes from trials, which even the epistles say will make you refined and mature. 

Change is a good thing... both in your life and in yourself.  YOU are an adventure, and the sooner you forgive yourself for beginning the journey, the sooner you can rest in the comfort that you know YOU will remain and grow in whatever you face along the way.