Awake

 I'm going to combine several things from past posts and new thoughts in this post.

Concepts I've mentioned, before:

1.  From the book Dopamine Nation, I did several posts that focused on how we want what feels good over what is functional.  Indeed, there is a meme out there of people lined up for meds, while the space in front of "life change" was empty.

2.  I used to do several posts in which I noted that progress stems from discontent and that it usually is not the path that is pleasing.  Exercise isn't fun.  Eating well isn't as pleasing as pizza and ice cream.  Work isn't as satisfying in the moment as rest.  Following the path of least resistance and ease will lead you to gain weight, be poor, and fall apart.

3.  Years ago, I did a post about faith... not in God, specifically, but to understand faith as a concept.  I said that true faith quals expectation plus determination.  It says that THIS (whatever it is) WILL happen, because even if God doesn't do it, I will.  My recent post about the Wish movie shares this perspective.

I've spent too many years focusing on finding ways to feel happy, when negative things came into my life.  I would, like many others, busy myself with hope and delusions of a life that was grander and more ideal than the one I wanted.  When more bad things came, the distraction got bigger to counter it... more alcohol, more activity, more focus on dreams and waiting for God to "make it so" in my life.

And, as a result things got worse.  Why?  I wasn't making life changes to improve my trajectory.  And, the distractions from pain was also a distraction from change, which I feared.  It wasn't til I started embracing darkness and the reality of my situation that I finally awoke enough to say... I'm discontent... I don't like this... I will change it.

And when that determination and expectation was reborn, I no longer needed my distractions, and one by one I have been reigning them in so that my mind free from focus on self criticism, free from romantic salvation, and free from alcohol could actually be used to assess the good in my current life and craft a path to improvement for myself.

The path ahead isn't the easiest path, but easy destroyed my assets and life potential.  But, once you are awake to what's real, you can't return to the delusion.  I'm awake, and I am making the world in which I will thrive.  And, I'm very happy for that.