It's been a little while since I have done a personal update post on the blog, mainly because a lot of things were in flux and could change. However, I am feeling pretty steady about the choices and direction that lies ahead over the last few weeks. I've mentioned some on various social media posts, but I wanted to bring together realizations and reflections along with some readings and more.
In short, I've decided to move back to the Midwest this Summer or Fall.. likely Fall. But, there's a lot that goes into that short statement, as weeks of thought went into the conclusion and more into the application.
Obviously, the first influence on the decision was that my ex kidnapped my child against my will or my child's will. The only reason I didn't have her arrested was my asking my child if she'd rather I fought it or just let it be til my child is 18 and can do whatever desired. My child prefers to avoid living in conflict, so I'm letting it be. But, as thar is the case and my child will be doing college next, anyways. It negates my very purpose of coming here and being so far from family... a move to be near that this ex refused to make (or financially support) in the 5 years I had full custody due to her mental instability.
The next influence was the eye surgeries that had to happen over the last 7 months, during which time I honestly considered if I'd be homeless for not being able to pay rent or travel and had to get picked up at the hospital by those that are barely in my life or not present in my life, now. But, concurrent in this about family is that I haven't been home to see my mom and sister in over 3 years. I could never afford it with costs here and financial challenges. My mom is getting older, and I want to have her in my life, while I can. Even if I got into a relationship or developed friendships to solve the hospital issue, it would not solve the family issue, which is one reason I stopped looking for a relationship, for now.
Another reason is the realization I've had over the last weeks that my desire for a relationship is in many ways an addiction... and not a very healthy one for me at that. A book from my listening (audio book) says..
"Although there is no evidence that I am aware of that pain speeds up bodily repair, there is emerging evidence that taking opioids during surgery slows it down." Dopamine Nation
I think this extends beyond physical wounds. If we block out emotional, psychological, or even financial or career wounds by distraction or sedating things like too much alcohol, I think we end up stuck in broken cycles and not changing or doing things to move forward from it. My chasing a relationship, I realize, is in part an addiction to replace pain and past with the emotional high I felt in the past, even if it was not a high based on a functional relationship.
The author explains that in our brains we produce Dopamine to feel joys, but our brain seeks balance and decreases. We end up seeking something to replace that Dopamine, rather than making wise choices based on fact. That is a part of how we end UP in bad relationships in fact. We bypass red flags from rose color glasses chasing hearts and dreams. Then, the high wears off, and if there's little under the pleasure pressures, reality comes crashing down. Its like coming off a caffeine high without having eaten anything. Eventually, you are left with whatever substance there is to it...or the lack, thereof.
You also have to be able to recognize a path doesn't lead to success. In my 3 and a half years of living in Florida, I've done a lot of things to make you feel temporarily good, as that's one of the defining characteristics of this entertainment state... feel good for a moment and then look for the next hedonistic high, without establishing any quiet and steady routines. The dating apps are primarily intended to find "someone to do things with" by people that will put right into their profiles that they are not seeking remarriage and see the idea of dating only one person an offensive limit.
As I reflect back on my decade in Tulsa, prior to here, I had many moments of peaceful joy by myself or with family, prior to my time with my ex, which I forgot in my desire to get away from the one that hurt me. There were and are fun things to experience there, but you could also just be content with a simple life without that being seem as boring. You could live a life of less expense without being made to feel poor for it.
So, I'm planning to return there. Tulsa is my intended direction, as that's what I know, but Dallas or OKC are maybes, too. I am reconnecting with those from there, but I won't go back to my ex or even try. We did have several years that I thought was great, but she gave up, refused counseling to try to save it, didn't initiate any conversations, didn't check up on me, and she intentionally ended conversations. There is no way I can logically consider that for a future partner. It has to be two people working, or it's nothing.
So... anyways. That's my update book ha. I'll update more as the path progresses and gets more clear.
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