Focus Forward

 I had two blog post thoughts, but I think I can tie them together in one post, effectively.  However, I'll subtitle each, below...

Where You End Up

My dad taught me about pool one time, and one thing that he said stayed with me and is something that I still use in my Ubereats when I pick which ones to accept or let go of the deliveries that are offered.  He said that it is important to pay attention to where your cue ball will end up when you take each shot.. can you make another shot from there or not.

As I am doing my deliveries, of course I am paying attention to how much each delivery pays per the amount of time that it takes to make the delivery.  However, sometimes, I have been caught by surprise of a large number that flashes on the screen, so I click accept.  And, it IS a large amount for that amount of time.  However, it takes you way out away from civilization to make the delivery, so you then have to drive all the way back before you can get another one... doubling the REAL time of that delivery and making the rewards value much less.

This is true for much more than just pool or Ubereats deliveries.  It's something to keep in mind when you are making decisions on where to live, what jobs to do, and when you are dating.  Heck... it also relates to things like deciding what to eat or how to spend an evening.  You have to stop and think... is this good for me in the long run, and that isn't necessarily whether or not it feels good or pads your ego.  Sugar tastes good, but it destroys your body.  Exercise hurts, but it makes you live longer and enjoy that life better.  Pleasure and the right choice does not always go hand in hand.  I'm happy that I have been using my reasoning to make decisions off this over the last several months.  A workplace that is supposed to lead to a happy life is not a success, if you dislike coming into work every day.  And, I have been using logic a lot more when considering people for a long term relationship. 

The days will come when there will be arguments, or bodies fail.  Do you have enough in common to maintain the connection?  Are they someone that will not bail in the face of minor problems?  Are they someone that will ad to major problems in making you happy by having things that you want to overlook but later might become something you wish to avoid or lack things you desire... like the ability to show interest or support you?  Before emotions get too ingrained, use your mind and reason to think... will this lead me to where I want to be?  If not.. don't proceed.

Let People Fail

When I was a teacher for a short period... and when I was a parent, in fact...I had a specific mentality as related to children and is a motto by which teachers are taught to apply...   It is... no child left behind.  You are told to direct your education so that you can attempt to reach every child and believe in them and try to get them to believe in themselves.  Sounds great, right?  For children, it IS a good philosophy for the most part.  However, I see problems with this even with children, and those problems are magnified when the child becomes an adult and that mentality is not appropriate to apply to all situations.  Let me explain.

What do you do when you do all that for a child, and the child just... doesn't care.  They fail assignments.  They do bad things to other kids.  They CHOOSE to do those things, because they WANT to do those things.  The school system suggests using different kids of reinforcements.. positive and negative.. or getting parents involved.  But, what if you call the parents, and THEY know the kid is like that and have no solutions having tried everything.  In a lot of schools, they do things to adapt to the kids lack of will by giving them less work, easier tasks for them, and moving them along in the school system.  Heaven forbid they fail a student, which would be reflected in the school's grade in the district, as well.  So, that kid grows up feeling they can get by doing less and getting many of the same benefits as others... no.. EXPECTING to get those same benefits.  Why?  They were never allowed to fail.

Now... here's where it applies to my life .. many times over.. and a lesson I have learned to apply and understand.  We get people that we date or work with or whatever.  That person just....doesn't care.  They either don't show care for us or doesn't care to do good work or whatever.  So.. us retaining the parental no one can fail mentality... we think... ahh... I'm just not treating them right to get them inspired to do things for me or for work or etc. 

So, we start changing ourselves to try to get them to respond... and change and change and the other person learns that they don't have to step up to the plate and do more, because you will adapt to them.  Then, when you finally become so frustrated that you have to escape for your own self care, that person only sees someone else that gave up on them, because they never learned what failing someone else looks like.  Sometimes, it wasn't even intentional but simply two people that were never equipped to work with each other, but that was overlooked at the start out of hope of the other person changing.  And, that leads to the tie in.

If you BEGIN with a forward focus and evaluate what is good for you, you would never have continued down that path.  You are not that person's parent or teacher. It isn't your job to make them want to be there or to show you interest or care.  It is theirs.  Don't get in the trap of trying to keep your partners from failing you.  If they fail, let them fail.  If they don't work, walk away.  Don't sentence yourself to trying to make a broken pattern work or to evaluate yourself by the other person's failure.  Let them fail and face forward... then, walk towards a better future, whether that be with someone that will care or simply yourself present to love yourself, every day.

Lessons Learned

 I don't know why, but I feel led to list several different things that I have learned over the past several months about relationships, post relationships, the search for happiness and more.. maybe they will help, someone.  I'll link to past posts and reference social media posts in chronological order over the months...

Life Happens - Stuff happens to everyone in varying degrees.  You can't let that define you, nor can you let it stop you from moving forward, waiting for the perfect time and perfect you to do it.  That time will never come.

Don't Worry Be Happy - If you focus your attention on trying to control your situation and trying to make things perfect, you will miss joys that you can have around you, every day.

Self Esteem - Take care of yourself, first.  If you base your decision of your self worth based on the opinion of your critics, you will miss your own worth to someone else and yourself.  You can't fill out of an empty cup, so if you just give to those that take without returning, you will walk around empty and feeling unsatisfied.  Make yourself happy.

Hope - Hope isn't happiness.  Indeed, hope is born out of despair, and despair and hope exist at the same time.  Discontent is an important element in seeking improvement... but I would add that the path to quench discontent can cause you to leave good situations, and some discontent can lead to improvement of a situation if possible instead of a reason to escape.  More on that later.

Look For Happy Moments - Look for happy moments in each day, and if you can't find any make them.  Be at peace with our place in the universe.

Unfortunate Lives - The poor are not lazy or sinful to be in their state.  We all face problems, and they could easily be you.  Have the compassion you would desire in the same situation.

Hot or Not - Don't delude yourself about potential relationships or the state of your own.  If you have to create it ... manipulate it.. to get a response, they just aren't into you on their own.  Recognize that early, so you don't invest too much into someone that will not give you what you need, later on.

Resonance - Like things harmonize on their own.  If you put on an image to get someone that isn't you, you will end up with someone in love with the image, not the kind of person that would love you for you.

Reframe Happiness -  Reframing happiness isn't about being deluded into thinking something is there or someone is right, without it being true or bringing you happiness.  In fact, it is basing your path to happiness on the facts and limitations to your own life.  Statistically, older people won't find their long term partner, because many of that age are not looking for one.  And, jobs meant to lead you to happiness that are not a happy place to live are not a successful path.  So, we need to reframe what we need to do in order to achieve the happy days that we want, whether that be working a lower paying job or finding joy in the single life, while you wait for the slim possibility that it will ever be more.

It's Ok Not to Know - It's ok not to know.  Life is always changing, and so are we.  It's ok to take some time to try things and feel things and decide what is right to do and what will make you happy.

Strike While the Iron is Hot - Allow your situations to change you to become the person that you need to be to work within a path that will bring you more happiness.

Entropy - Things naturally fall apart, unless you put forth an effort into maintaining them.  If you desire to maintain or improve your life, it will take you putting an effort forth into bringing you the life you desire.

New Life Crisis - When life changes, you have to change to adapt to it.  Don't settle for paths that don't lead you to happiness.  All of our bodies will fail, so look for someone that will love you for your love, not your looks, and wants to be with you for you, not the things you can provide.

Non Blog Post items learned over the months:

- Many single people connect to other single people and don't want to find someone that would cause them to lose their connection to other single people.

- "just friends" with the opposite sex is difficult with someone that is in a relationship with someone else (for jealousy or priority reasons) and is impossible with someone that is single.  It will always lead to confusion of what the other person wants, and the other person or yourself will always feel devalued by the other when they go for someone else, feeling it is a reflection on your own value that they didn't go for you.  But... as I said... if they are with someone else that can make the potential moot and allow friendship to exist.  You cannot "begin" as friends and ever have it become something else, unless both are interested at the start or both agree along the way.. without it tearing the friendship apart.

- Don't begin or have expectation for more with someone whose life doesn't have room for you or cannot make you a priority.

- If someone doesn't like you or even does something against you, it doesn't mean they are a bad person... simply a bad MATCH for you.  Move on.

- The most dangerous car on the road is one that doesn't know where it s going.  Do or do not.  There is no try.  You might make mistakes, but you if you are just waiting in indecision you will miss opportunities.

- Good...both that you do and what to expect.. is more than just the absence of bad.  Someone can be good as a person and not a good match for you.  Wait till it is worthy.

- Practice makes purpose.  I've dated a lot over the last few years and learned from each one what I like and want.  It's the only way.

- And finally... for now.. don't make a public spectacle of your success.  I made my social media private and MAY make selected ones public to give a view of myself that is accurate.  But... if you are trying to prove you are right to someone determined to find flaw in you, you will fail.  And, if you have to put on an image of success to get them, you will lose them when you struggle.  I desire someone that will remain with me for me.

New Life Crisis

 People speak of mid-life crisis as a bad thing, and if you are just doing it to be following the grass is greener mentality, it definitely can be a bad thing.  There's something to be said for maturing a relationship or growing your foundation, if it can be trusted to bring you happiness.  In my case, I lost that foundation because of the choices of others over the last several years.  So... what happens when that foundation is taken away from you?  Do you cling to a past that has left you or was stolen by those that didn't care for you, or do you look for new avenues of adventure to follow?  I decided to stop wallowing in dead avenues and to start looking for new ways of framing your life to find happiness where you are.  For example, I still enjoyed a great Thanksgiving by myself in the way that... eventually... all parents will face as their kids go on to have lives and families of their own.

However, one thing of which I am proud for NOT doing for this holiday or the one coming up.  I didn't just get anyone to fill that spot.  I'm not saying that anyone I know has done that.  True love can find itself in a holiday period, but holidays are also a means of society pressure to get people to settle for someone in order to have someone for the holidays and to satisfy other questioning parents or such.  They made entire movies over the pressure to do just that.  But, I'm not going to be with someone just to wear them and return them after the holiday sales are over.  I wouldn't do that to someone, and I wouldn't want someone to do that for me.  I am open to it happening for real in this period, but it would have to BE real... they would have to show genuine interest, have to make space for me in their lives, make me a priority, and would have to have enough things of shared interest or such to make it longer lasting than what can be a rather expensive date at times.

A mid life crisis can be someone running after a girl twenty years younger in a flashy car.. don't get me wrong, I bet that would be a fun experience.  However, my experience with my last ex that was 9 years younger would lead me to question if anyone that much younger or more had shared life goals or satisfied with the solitude of a couple, rather than just looking for someone that is good eye candy or a good excuse for their social media channels.  Some love to show off their victories in public to show everyone that they were successful... sometimes even to try to GET that person to notice them.  But, if people are not interested in you except in your success, they might not be there for you in struggles.

And honestly... think about it.  Everyone always says they want to be the couple that is holding hands on the beach in their old age.  They don't say they want to be the couple making out on the beach in their old age.  Who wants to see that.. ha.  We all age.  There is almost no one that is still hot and sexy at 60, and we all will get there one day.  Unless you want your person to seek another.. person.. that is hot and sexy in their own mid life crisis, you might want to see someone more interested in your love than your looks.  And, I'm content to wait till that happens... holiday or not.. if it happens at all.  If I have to beg for attention or get my person to make me a priority, I would rather be single as a single person, rather than a single in a relationship.  Because, I know I can make MYSELF happy.

Entropy

 Isn’t it terrible how our expectations have dropped?  If someone could actually fix the roads.. or fix anything, I’d elect them President.  And, when you date someone that’s not horrible to you, you’re like.. oh this might be the one.. forget whether you have things in common or they do good to you or compliment you or whatever.  Job treats you bad?  Well, you could be fired.  A string of bad things happened to you?  Well thank God, because He could have allowed you to be murdered or maimed.

Years ago, I wrote a book called First Edition about being original and putting forward a greater effort than the lowest common denominator most base their actions on.. what others do.  We can be better than that.

But, science teaches us that entropy happens… things fall apart of effort is not put into them to repair or increase.  It’s nature for things to get worse and worse, unless for example, you get off your butt and exercise to get fit.. you work extra hours to save, you get out there and try to talk to others and date and improve yourself for them and flirt.  If you just wait for nature to take its course, it will.. one day you’ll be dead.. but not yet .. thank God.

Strike While the Iron is Hot

 I was thinking on that old saying, today.  It also occurred to me that a lot of the younger generation probably doesn't know all the old saying rattling around in my head from my years growing up.. ha.  But, that was one of them, and it means that when it's working for you, you should focus your energy in that time.  I apply that to my deliveries in that deliveries tend to ebb and flow.  When it is a particularly good time, I will stay out there longer, and when it is dead I will take a longer break.

However.. to think about the origin of the phrase, consider how they used to make armor or swords or whatever. They would heat up the metal till it was glowing hot. Then, they would strike it with a hammer over and over and form it into the shape it needed to be.  Many have noted at times that this is kinda like how we change in our most difficult and painful periods of trials.  But, it also means to just wait till you have overcome the resistance to change.  We often want to remain in our former state.. our old way of thinking and expectations.  But.. times change, and we must change, too.  We will keep trying to do things the old way and continue running into the same problems.  So, we must be heated... we must face enough resistance that our resistance drops, and we are finally like.. ok.. what else can I be... whack.  What if I try something new... whack.

There's an old quote that I have used at times that applies here..

"A bar of iron costs $5, made into horseshoes its worth is $12, made into needles its worth is $3500, made into balance springs for watches, its worth is $300,000. Your own value is determined also by what you are able to make of yourself"

They say that in running, the first mile lies to you, because you can go much further, and I have found that to be true.  Sometimes, you just have to keep pushing and let the resistance of exercise... and life.. form you into the new shape that will make you more successful in your life, so don't run from the heat... use it to change... whack.

It’s ok to not know…

 I haven’t blogged for a few weeks.  Generally, I want to feel that I have a good grasp on something before I write about it.  The last few weeks have been processing weeks.. not in a bad way and not always sad.  It just means my life is changing with new realities and potential, and in order to gain my footing I need to have a better understanding of what I want.. the only way to do that is to get out there, chew things over, think, feel, etc.

It took a little to begin.. at first, I felt paralyzed by all the changes.  It was the crisis stages.  I was angry at my situation more than the individuals that brought it about.. tho I didn’t eat their blame by inventing reasons why they should have done what they did.  I’ve done that too many times over the years to pacify narcissists.  But, I learned what I told myself as I prepared to leave a narcissistic boss at that job… of course he will be angry and blame me and present himself as the victim in my leaving, because that’s how he was when I was present.  It was always going to end badly.. was on that trek since I began.  It’s the exact same with both my ex’s… was always going to end with me being the bad guy for simply respecting myself enough to walk away… even if in many ways I was pushed out.  They were determined to be the victim, even while they were attacking…. The person they pretended to care for.

But, eventually reason kicked into gear, and that anger faded… Leaving a wound of self pity at times, but I was more interested in considering the question .. ok.. so what now?  Where do I go from here?  That helped me get out of the house and start doing things, again.  Honestly, my budget wasn’t really there for it, and I’ve decided to limit myself to free and low cost options, but it was needed to do just to experience a new life situation me and talk to people and feel more balanced as a person.

I still have SO much I don’t know.  Several times a day, I consider whether there is good to remaining in Florida after my eye surgery recovering is done (I couldn’t do anything till about 2 months after eye surgery on Dec 27 or longer.  So.. I have time to think.  There’s a lot here I like or could like more in my new life perspective, but there’s things I liked back out midwest too and family out there.  At least there I’m not having to consider staying in the hospital overnight after the surgery because I don’t have a friend taking me to and from the appointments or having to ask someone not that close to me to do it.  Family is family.  So.. I don’t know.

I don’t know if I’d always stay Ubereats, though I do love it.  I don’t know if I should try subbing again.  I don’t know what activities I’d like to do but getting a clearer idea of that.  I don’t know where or if I’d find romance or if I should just expand my friendships.. kinda doing that more as I just feel things out.  A single life with friends and fun is very good too.

So, I’m kinda not GOING to get a full grasp for a while, and my posts and playlists might seem a little contradictory at times, but that’s just because I’m “in the middle of starting over” as that song goes.  But.. that’s good.  It’s good to have the space to say I don’t HAVE to have it all figured out.  It’s ok to just take one day at a time and let how you feel and want and like and learn lead you to the path you take next.  Then, you’ll know YOU chose it instead of having it chosen by those that are only in your life to use you for themselves.