A Worthy Moment

 Listening to my playlist this morning, I wanted to put down a thought, before I get started with my day planning and acting on new potentials of future.

I used to say... years ago.. that the value of an attempt was not determined by how successful it would be in the end.  But... life battle scars and pains over the years makes that hard to really feel true.  But, consider our lives in the grand scheme of life.  We live a life, and then we are gone.  For us, it feels like the center of everything, but for most that are alive today, we are nothing, and we will leave a mark that will be erased within years, very likely.  Even if we leave a historical mark, it will be distorted over time and eventually forgotten or found irrelevant.  So... was our lives important and beautiful?  To us... yes.  And, OBJECTIVELY they can be so, as well... even if no one was there to see or record it.  They are still good.

I think this backwards applies, as well.  This is a very hard one for me, and I won't say that I will do a good job feeling it or applying it... but I'll try.  What if you lived a romance with someone or raised kids or worked at a job or whatever.  In those years, there were many moments that were very nice, inspirational, encouraging, or more.  Then, things turned badly and ended badly... or just drifted apart or whatever.  Now, you don't want to think about those years.  I have blogged in the past that part of the process of recovery from a breakup is to forgive yourself for taking the risk and to accept your part in those years was good to bring yourself together.  But, what about the other person's part in it?  Were they good?  At the time, they were.

So, the hard moment is to accept that those moments in time WAS good as much as they were... at the time.  They may not still be possible or even something that you might want, but the value of that moment will remain etched in time... as a worthy moment.

So, that's something I'm going to work on, as well as feeling inspired to do more worthy moments or at least give a worthy attempt.  Whether or not it fails, it will be a good mark in an otherwise bleak canvas.

Wishes that Walk

I've been quiet on the blog and as relates to personal thoughts on social media over the last week.  In part that was because I was dealing with several challenges, especially after my car got hit from behind and made it not legal to drive on the road and likely totalled due to the age of the car and mileage versus the damage.  When that happened, my ability to earn money also came to a screeching halt, as well, with almost nothing in my account, because I had just paid a phone payment right after replacing a tire in the week after paying monthly rent.  

When that happened,  I also had to shift into safety and survival mode in Maslow’s pyramid with all my brain power being dedicated to solutions of that.  I couldn't even get to the doctor to get checked out.  But, after many days of calls and claims, I am covered financially for at least long enough to get something else going.  

I did have random thoughts and feelings about the situation, too, and as the safety issues cleared I focused more time on them... bringing that dark cloud into more focused determination.  Last night, I watched Wish on Disney Plus, and it actually helped me with this focusing.  I'll explain.

In Wish, the king of the land collected everyone's wishes to "protect" them and when he did so, they forgot about them,  leaving it in the hands of the king to decide who's wishes were worthy of granting.  The movie surrounds a girl that learned all this and asked why the wishes that wouldn't be granted by him couldn't be given back to them to try to make happen on their own, but the king didn't want to lose his power over their dreams.  I don't need to give more of the movie... watch it yourself.  But, I give that summary to refer to as I explain my own mentality changes, ahead.

The last years have been a series of life challenges to overcome.  Indeed, the morning they picked up my car to evaluate, I returned to my extended stay room to find the door lock battery dead.  I had to call the after hours number to have them fix it to get back inside.  Now, is this years of being cursed or being judged or what?  I don't know.  I've made it clear that I don't trust a divine power to just... grant my wish.. as in the movie, nor a spell to just make it happen.  It's also become very clear that love is not just going to happen and aid for my needs will fall from the sky.  My whole life has been me providing solutions to my problems, generally.  Some might help with temporary aid, but lasting solutions came from my own sweat and thinking.

So, like the movie, I'm tired of waiting for it to all just happen.  I'm also tired of not having a backup budget for when life... or spiritual entities... throw a tantrum in my direction.  So, I'm dedicating my time and energy to setting up a firm financial foundation and rebuild my life... myself.

Benjamin Franklin said that God helps those that help themselves, which is really saying they will help themselves and God will get the credit.  Regardless, it's about time my wishes took a walk and I provided for myself... and it will happen.  

Breakup Nation .. Its not just me

As predicted, I missed a few recent thoughts in my last post, so I wanted to go over and expand them

Another recent thought was that looking back logically and analytically I must question if looking for a relationship CAUSED much of my problems and self esteem issues.  Why?  The only reason that I felt less than or like a failure was that I was trying to please someone else that wasn't a good match.  When I stopped worrying about doing that, I felt... happier.. in my life. I also felt like I was failing because I was comparing myself to FICTIONAL impressions of how successful and abundant other relationships are in society.  We like to feel that everyone else has a great relationship, while ours fails.  However, that's statistically not true.  Marriage.com statistics say  Some interesting things...

- Approximately 70 percent of straight unmarried relationships break up within the first year.

- Women are twice as likely to initiate a breakup than men.

- Almost 1 in 5 long term relationships end with one partner ghosting another.

- The AVERAGE relationship only lasts just over two years.

- 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.

So, not just some other people share my experience, but it is actually much more common than relationships that actually work.  I read on another page that only 35 percent of marriages make it to 25 years.... 1 in 3.  Or, 2 out of every 3 fail to get there.  So, why should I feel LESS than or a failure to have the same outcome as most other people?  I was just less than THAT person wanted... and being less than they want seems to be very common.

The other thought I had and left out was that I felt that I had to change to become what the one in front of me wanted.  However, the real, logical train of thought SHOULD have gone like this.  I like me.  Happiness comes from doing things you like.  Therefore, I should be more of me.  It doesn't matter if I am not masculine enough for most women or that my objectivity and independence might get in the way of those that seek like minded people.  Of course you should be tactful, but my pursuit of knowledge and objective facts pleases me as I learn.  Therefore, it makes me happy and MORE happy than trying to be something else for someone else that is desiring others to bend to THEIR personality.

Especially as you age, both of these come in to more focus and importance.  There are no kid desires to drive a relationship.  There are less financial needs expected to be met by another.  Both sides already have done the children thing, or they didn't have kids and is not a goal.  Social goals MUST change as you age, and it takes a while for that change to set, but I am beginning to see more and more that it won't look like what I once wanted.  It might be possible... hopefully.. to find someone special or even  more than one friends.. to balance your social connection and care needs, but that will not look like you once had or as generally presented in the media.

So.. that's a few more recent thoughts.

Recent Thoughts

I'm going to try to post about recent thoughts, even though I'm tired from a busy week.  But, if I forget some of it, there might be another post, tomorrow.

My most recent playlist covers some of the feelings and stages, as has some of the other recent ones and some social media shares and such.  It's all helpful, as I have been struggling through feeling stuck in my attempts to set a new destination point or path to get me from my current state to a happy and inspired one.  I have a few guideposts to help... I feel it is important to be within driving distance of family.  I liked some parts of my past life in Oklahoma and recognize that some of the WAYS I sought that happiness doesn't work, so new exploration would be useful.  But, it's also been busy weeks full of financial challenges and more.  That makes it hard to process, but I have a few thoughts from the week to help along that way.  These won't necessarily be in any order.  Like I said... my brain is tired.  Ha.

I saw a meme the other day that said true love isn't rosey for INFJ's but looks like... block, unblock, block, unblock.  Ha.  I don't know if that is JUST INFJs but others, as well.  However, that's a good lead into the first thought.  I used to condemn myself for it taking to long for me to get over my last ex.  But, one thing that I realized is that the ending of true love would not be like... Oh, ok.  It's over, ok.  Let me remove you from my contacts and never think about you, again.  That's how my ex responded.  However, if something can end that easily, I question whether it was real love.  Real love is feeling hurt or betrayed and NOT letting it just go, BECAUSE the love was so deep that it left a big wound.  Even if it makes sense and is not something that someone wants to go back to, the pain remains and the change is disruptive BECAUSE there was true love present.  And, that leads to the next thought... you can truly love someone that didn't or doesn't love you.  So, you need to take more time to test someone or be sure about someone's interest in you BEFORE you get emotionally invested in them.

A related thought... question, really... is my asking myself if being in a relationship or seeking one has EVER led to good or happiness in my life.  The few times that I thought it did was the point of the greatest pains to follow, BECAUSE of my choice to love.  I do still hold out hope for the right one and SHARED love, but as I objectively and logically look at the points of happiness that remained, a relationship wouldn't be one of them.  It may has PROVIDED a few of them, like my children.  But, objectively.... I wasted a lot of time, money, and emotional strain on people that didn't deserve it, didn't return it, and would have been better spent on other things.  I need to put those people behind me and let them face their own judgment consequences of their actions and move on.  They haven't made an effort, so why am I in my memories?  So, I may be shifting to dating without a relationship in mind or non dating social activities, but I am working on that in my mind at present.

Next, I think I have spent too much time focused on finding others or paths that would BRING me joy ... like a gift.  We see this in religion, trying to find favor with God.  Or, we see this in philosophy or magic or such, where we are looking for what type of thinking would best bring us the joy that we want.  I think there is some value in that and will do that from time to time, but I'm coming to realize that if you want a better life, you have to go out there and create it.... not waiting for someone to give it to you or be your solution.  What do you like to do?  Well... that's a pretty simple path to happiness.  Go do it.  So, the path to a happy life seems as simple as identifying what you like and then creating a life where you can do that.  Sometimes, that includes helping others... at least for me.. so a career doing that might be good, but a career where there is checkpoints of personal accomplishment or financial rewards that you can spend on yourself is also valid means to that, as well.  So, I'm working on THAT in my mind, too... but it's a new way of thinking about it.

I also need to be forward focused on the outcomes that I desire and stand firm in my path to get to what works.  Looking back at what is broken is not going to fix anything.  I lead off my playlist with those, because it was important for me to consider the source of my personal doubts and feelings of self esteem, but the playlist progresses to a better mentality that is focused on what I desire, and I plan for future playlists to be more wholly focused on those things.

That's enough for the night.  My brain is tired.  ha.  Hope it helped, though.

No Surrender

 There have been made ample number of movies about WWII or other war prisoners of war that didn't give their guards the satisfaction of breaking them.  They kept their spirit, even against great odds and certainty of defeat... why?  It was because it wasn't ... defeat.

Someone can overpower you.  They can defame you.  They can deprive you.  They can do all manner of evil against you.  But, until you actually surrender, you are not defeated.  It's like the campaign that was going for a long time that was focused on the semi colon.  Your story is not done.  You are at the point of... "and then" in the story.  It's the part when you make your next move to rise.

Those that oppose you don't want you to rise.  They don't want you to hope.  They don't want you to win.  There is a lot of memes out there that say that your friends list contains several that want you to fail.  I would hope that is not the case with mine.  I tend to remove those that do so, as no real FRIEND wants ill of you.  But, there are definitely those out there that have as a goal for you to fail.  How pitiful is that?  They could want anything in the world, but they desire someone else to fail.  Generally, it is the lowest quality that feel the need to reduce others so they look good by comparison, so pity them.

I'm not saying that your story will be an uneventful rise into prosperity.  That hasn't been my reality.  Usually, it is overcoming one crisis to face another crisis.  I don't claim to be a victim, as ... as far as I can tell... that is the reality of everyone, even those proclaiming providence.  Did you know that the author of Purpose Driven Life had his son die?  And, Christian music star Steven Curtis Chapmain had his child die.  Christian artist Carmen faced death and divorce in those he loved.  It's not all roses to live a struggle free life.  Indeed, contrary to the prosperity gospel, Jesus .. even in the flawed Gospel texts.. reassured his followers that in this life they will have struggle.  And, that was proven to be true.  For hundreds of years, the Foxes Book of Martyrs was printed more than even the Bible, and it told of how all but one of Jesus own followers died brutal deaths.  Whether God was not powerful enough to stop the deaths or didn't desire to do so, the common historical record is that following religion is not a path to blessing but to living just as flawed of an outcome as everyone else.... probably moreso, as many don't have the fight to rise up, feeling it is the "will of God."

But.... here's my thinking.  You exist.  You know what you want and need.  So.. go get it.  Stop waiting around for someone to give it to you, because my experience is that others are pretty much just thinking about what they want for themselves.  I'm sure that some will do that work and gain.  Benjamin Franklin said that God help no one that doesn't help themselves.  And, unfortunately, many will solve their problems and then give credit to those that didn't play a part.  That's sad, as it deprives the victor of their crown.

The greater the challenge, the greater the accomplishment.  I've learned that over and over in my life as I overcame one challenge after another without credit.  But, whether or not others see the victory for what it is, the testimony will stand.  If you refuse to surrender to those trying to hold you prisoner, you will have an eternal record of saying.. this far and no further... and be worthy of whatever future will rise from that seed of conviction, even if it is just knowing the world did not break you.

Blessed to be Poor

I helped someone on the streets, today, and it's not something new to me and most of the time I don't mention that I did it.  However, this one goes to a larger point that is actually helping me process my own issues.  I had just dropped off a delivery in the town of my ex of all places.  As I was leaving the area, an old black woman asked if I could give her a ride over to the cricket store a few miles away.  I agreed and on the way reflected on how hot the day was getting and the fact that she was in a very arrogantly rich town and that very likely she would not get a ride from anyone else.  I mentioned that it was hot to be walking, and she said she walks everywhere, since Firestone took 1300 dollars from her and then her car broke down two days later.  In the few minutes of the ride, she told me about how she had lost her husband and couldn't get to where he was being buried.  As I dropped her off, she asked if I had two dollars, so I gave her the ten that I had in my pocket, even though I didn't really have it in my budget to give... I'll make up for it.

As I drove away, I reflected on the fact that I just happened to be there and would be someone that WOULD help in a town that likely would not.  Indeed, most people that I have met around here have more money than they know what to do with but have not given to a charity in the time that I knew them.  There are exceptions of people and that's part of why they are my friends.  But, it's generally not the wealthy but the poor that help other poor.  I was also thinking of my trans child living with a mom that has repeatedly condemned them for being trans.  I think she sent them to a church camp to fix them one year, as I recall.  But, they have always had me to be their support.  Even yesterday, I wished them a happy trans day of visibility... posted a Tulsa museum post about that day, as well.  So, when my child looks at my profile, they will see one that is welcoming and safe to their choices, even if it leads to personal criticism... like I care about that, anyway.

But... and here is where it is important.  I helped that person while out driving a lower paying job with more than they would have got from the rich.  My child, even though they don't see me, gets more support than they would get at my ex's family or church.  While I'm over here feeling like a failure for not making a lot of money with a stable home, I am living the life that benefits others ... and that's not a failure.  I am still thinking about how my professional life will go and will hopefully have more free money by the end of the year, even if it is from living in a less expensive state.  But... I'm not going to call myself a failure anymore.  I'm a great person with a good heart... not doing that to be "blessed by God" as that woman promised, as I don't believe that happens often.  But, I can be a blessing to others, and that's not a bad life, at all.

The Completely Unauthorized Divine Love Letter to the LGBTQ

 I thought about doing this as a book, but I think a post will suffice.

In recent months, there has been a lot of love directed at trans people, and when one died after being bullied at school, there was a rather LOUD silence from the religious community, which makes sense... they are, after all, mostly committed to a religious body more than a loving God.  It's not like they DID it after all... they just didn't object when it was done... or when a religious group showed up to spew hate in the name of their "loving" God.  It's like when the Nazi's said they didn't actually participate in burning jews.. they just kept the trains running on time.  One phrase that I recall that we used to learn typing when I was growing up was "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is that good men do nothing."  And, the church has a long history of watching as evil was carried out in front of them, from the killing of Christ to the killing of witches.

But... that's religion.  Recently, I changed my dating profiles to say that I have faith in God, not religion.  There has definitely been some testing to the first part, but I have had no reason to regain trust in the second part.  

I wanted to write a note towards the LGBTQ community, which I have some connection with trans family members and have written lesbian books in the past.  When I studied faith, I was taught that the sum of the law is love, and many seem to have forgotten that, even if I have not.  I don't want to base it on Scripture, as Scripture is... to be historically accurate... written by those with a religious direction purpose.  Also, there is more original text proof of Socrates than there is of Christ, as there remains no original text from the lifetime of the person said to write it, and theology schools teach ministers across the country that what we have is a "majority text" which means most of the copies contained this or that with some additions from non majority texts.  So, we don't in actuality know what was said.  Even the gospel of John says most of what Jesus said was unrecorded.  So, the next time that someone is thumping a KJV Bible written by a King that wrote a bible to allow him to get divorced, remind them it's all about love.

You are not wrong to want to love others or to want them to love you.  Those that hate you are not speaking from God, and trust me...in a few years, you'll never see them, again.  Also, those that hate you will continue finding someone or something to hate, so they will never be free from their curse, so pity them.  There was a Christian book written some years ago that I liked called The Dream Giver.  It focuses on how there are echoes of universal truth in books and stories through the world... not just the Bible.  So, I want you to consider this.  If you see a universal theme in stories of people fighting to be free to be themselves against those that demand you be a copy to validate them.. consider that it is just a reflection of the will of God, and you are not alone.

Believe in yourself.  Love yourself.  Go forward.  When you are in the middle of the valley of evil, why would you stop?  Forward.